Go, Go, Go

On top of dealing with everything right now, Life IS CRAZY! It is go, go, go with very little rest in sight. I'm either working hard or playing hard and it all stuff that's been planned. I'm looking forward to having a day to just sit at home and mope. I think there will be time in November! I will be celebrating my grandparents' 60th anniversary with them this weekend. That's a long time. It's pretty much guaranteed that I won't ever see my 60 year anniversary unless I get married this year and then live 60 years longer than I want to! JK
I also found out when I'll be going back to finish my tattoo. They are wanting to try and work me in to the first episode of the next set. I'm not sure what that means yet but I'll let you know when I find out.
Here's a cute clip of Rebecca at the shore house this past labor day.

The Late Night Diner

So last night marked the anniversary of when we found out things were going to be serious.

Memory: Katie went with her mom to the MRI and then they were supposed to come to dinner at Bonefish. I remember talking to her around 6:30 to find out when they were coming in and she told me that her mom wasn't feeling well so she grabbed a can of soup. What had really happened was she had gotten a call from her doctor and told her to come to the office and to bring someone else to drive. There she was told that after racking their brains for all possibilities, the odds of these masses being anything other than pancreatic cancer were slim. When I got home from work that evening, I went about my night like any other normal night and she just waited in her brown chair for me to settle in. I guess I probably knew somewhere in the back of my mind that things weren't right and as long as I was normal, life was normal. Eventually, I sat down on the end of the couch closest to her and that's when she told me that she did have the results and that it wasn't good. This was the first time of many that I knew my body was in shock - my face went immediately numb, my ears started ringing and I lost all expression from my face. After we talked about what had happened to her that day, I quickly went to do some research while she got ready. In the short span of 5 minutes of research, I couldn't find anything promising. Katie was craving diner food so then we left to find an open diner. We first went to 4 Points and they were closed. Then we went to Hollywood, but they were about to close. So then we found Colonial in Woodbury and it was only us and 3 cops sitting down to eat. Katie ordered an open face turkey sandwich and I have no idea what I ordered. Isn't it funny that I can remember exactly what her turkey, gravy and potatoes looked like and I can't even remember what I ate. We spent the evening trying to game plan about our options, what we'd do next, and Katie spent a lot of time trying to console me. I guess we both thought that since she beat melanoma, she could beat this. I remember that we parked under a tree in the parking lot and every time I drive by that diner, I can hardly breathe because the memory is so painful. Luckily, it is rarely on my way anywhere. I think at some point, we were finally exhausted enough to go to sleep. I don't remember sleeping that night. I guess I will be finding out what I do and don't remember and that's why writing down these memories is important to me right now. It is so painful to recall but there's a peace in knowing that I have them.

I do know that that Wednesday is going to be pretty lost in my brain unless someone can remind me. I know there was a lot of time spent on the phone with my bosses and Katie making phone calls to get a biopsy scheduled. At first it was going to be local and then we finally got an in at HUP with their head GI surgeon, Dr. Drebin. God helped a lot of things fall into place for us, as he already had done by bringing us to NJ and putting us in this house and then opening a spot downstairs for us to move into.
I keep making jokes about wanting to sleep through the next 3 months but the truth is, I'm going to be so busy that they will fly by. And just in time, today is my last day of commuting to East Brunswick. I have enjoyed the opportunity that I've had there but it is too overwhelming dealing with the responsibility of the restaurant and my own emotional struggles. And this week is a hard reminder. The staff decorated my car yesterday because I jokingly told them I wasn't driving today. They got me anyway! I will miss them but the good thing is I'll see them semi-regularly in a couple of months.

Last Day Of Normal

I knew that today was the day that we found out that something was wrong with Katie but I didn't think about it being the last day that it would be "normal." It was the last day before we knew that this was serious. I remember telling a friend that they found something but that it was most likely masses caused by birth control pills or that there was a possibility that it was cancer but nothing super serious. It would be the last day that I would ever get think my life would continue on as planned. I remember be most concerned about the baby and how this would affect the pregnancy because I really thought that we were going to be dealing with gall bladder issues. If only that had been true. Sigh.

Text History

I was looking at the old phone I used this time last year and I pulled up the text messages that were still sitting in the memory and the realization hit me that this very time last year was the last time life was normal. There was a text on Sunday night from Katie saying that she didn't much accomplished because she was feeling so sick. Tomorrow would be her doctors appointment that snowballed into the discovery. I remember how sick she was but how we just thought it was pregnancy or gall stones or something far less serious. It's amazing how one day can change your life forever. How your hopes, dreams and goals can be completely smashed.
The weather has changed. The nights are very cool and Fall is in the air. I love this time of year. In fact, it was both mine and Katie's favorite time of the year and we used to love to go outside and smell the air and hold hands while walking Logan. I knew that this was going to be a difficult time, but it seemed so far off. Now it is here and every day will be a new reminder. So I have a feeling that my blog will be a way to record my memories. It will be good to remember, but so very difficult as well. I miss her so much right now. I miss seeing her with the windows open and a blanket around her waist while sitting in the chair working on sweepstakes entries. She would be wearing her old lady glasses, the TV would be on, Logan would be curled up around her and Kaiser would be nearby. I miss seeing her look up as I walked through the door and watching her face light up and ask how my day was or she'd start telling me about whatever she had been waiting to talk about. This sucks!

Fall Craft Show

So I go to walk Logan this morning and I take him directly towards the back side of the house and down the driveway to the street behind me. I'm noticing that there are cars lined up and down the road and the whole time I'm trying to figure out who is having a party. So we walk around for a bit and I came back the same way because I wanted to figure out who was so popular but there were no signs of one particular house being bombarded with people, the people getting our of their cars didn't have gifts and they weren't dressed up. So we call the off the exploratory expedition and head back to the house when I notice that the church parking lot is packed. And then I realize. I look down the road to downtown and I see a familiar sight. It is the Pitman Fall Craft Show. Vendors line the streets selling things we don't need but seem to want anyway. I remember that last year, we went. Katie had found this Asian brocade purse at the spring craft show and wanted another. And she found one. She also found these signs/picture things that she wanted to have made for the baby's room. It was so fun walking around the event with my pregnant wife and seeing other pregnant mothers and babies and talking about ours and making plans. This was one of the last times that we were able to do something together. I had forgotten about it.
On a less depressing note, people are responding well to my tattoo. Luckily, I love it so much that I don't care but it's always good to have people agree. As the red is fading out, I'm noticing more and more of the detail. Ami did such an amazing job of adding depth and movement to it. I feel so vain because I continually find myself staring at it. I have to literally tell myself not to scratch it because it is really starting to itch! But it is healing nicely.

Miami Inked

I just spent 3 days in Miami and I had such a great time. Although I was anxious about going by myself, I ended up making some great friends while there. I had people to hang out with every night and I never had that lonely loner feeling.
Let me rewind about why I went. I was chosen to get a tattoo and to be featured on the TLC show Miami Ink. If you’ve never seen it, the show features people who want to get tattoos from the show’s resident artists including Ami James, Chris Nunez, Chris Garver and Darren Brass. The show is internationally broadcast and they wanted to feature me and my story and to help increase the awareness of pancreatic cancer. So this is a really big deal and something that I had hoped would happen but couldn’t really imagine that it would. It was such a crazy experience, but I had an incredible time and met some wonderful people. Once I have my unveiling at my birthday party, I’ll post some pictures of the artwork. Ami James was my artist and he free-hand drew the tattoo on my arm – no stencil or pattern. It turned out amazing and I can’t wait to have the color put in. It is perfect. I can’t wait for everyone to see. I have to keep clothes (like sleeves) off of it for as long as possible so everyone can see it right now and I’ve had a lot of compliments from strangers already. And it was cool to see that the other tattoo artists on the show kept watching Ami draw it then outline and shade it. They were all making great comments about it. I was having this feeling of “my arm will never look the same again, I hope I’m not making the wrong decision,” but every time I look in the mirror, I am blown away and super happy that it’s mine. I feel like it should be on a wall in a museum. And I think it is done in such a beautiful way that whether you like tattoos or not, you’ll appreciate it. I won’t be finished with the color until the end of October. I am told that I will get a call a couple of weeks before it airs and when I get the word, plans are in motion for a big viewing party and everyone will be welcome. I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch it. I don’t like seeing myself on tv especially as a blubbering, crying fool, but hopefully, it will turn out great and even more importantly, maybe it will make someone aware enough about pancreatic cancer to save themselves or someone they love.

Ami working on the shading and my friend, Meaghan, a cervical cancer surviver, getting inked by Nunez.

Britney, Britney, Britney . . .

Anyone that knows me, knows that I saw the Britney performance tonight. Few people were bigger fans of the hers than Katie and me and I can hear Katie now talking about the performance. So I know this has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but think that Britney's manager must hate her. Why else would she make herself look even worse than she already has?! I could go on a serious rant, but why bother. If you saw it, you already know what I'm going to say and if you didn't see it, well, it isn't even worth searching YouTube for it.

As for me, I'm about to do something that I've never done before. I'm going to be taking a trip to a city I've never visited before -- all by myself. I used to not even like to go to the grocery store by myself so this is huge. I'm anxiously excited about it. I think it will be neat to do exactly what I want to do and not have to worry about making decisions for a group. I think it will make me feel self-sufficient, but on the other hand, I will also be blatantly aware of being alone. I never thought that I would ever go on a trip by myself. I would either be with Katie or friends or I'd be working. So I know it will be hard. As outgoing as I used to be, I've become rather withdrawn from the public. I turn it on for work when I have to but right now I really prefer being alone or family or close friends. So we'll see how it goes. Luckily the trip is very short and I have a pretty busy agenda, but there is some down time.

I've been pulling out my photo albums. As I look through them, I'm reminded that I still haven't scanned so many of them that I would hate to lose. So something else I can add to my ever growing list of things that I probably won't accomplish. It's amazing to look at the pictures from our early years together and remember what I thought and then to see how it all turned out. I'm holding onto that idea right now. As much as you think you have a grasp on the present, the future remains unseen.

Please pray for my upcoming trip and that everything will go perfectly.