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Sunday, October 9, 2011

Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday!

After Katie passed, I was never once suicidal. I don’t know if the antidepressants were working or my strong faith wouldn’t let me consider the idea. There was the occasional, “what if I just run off a bridge” moment but the selfishness of the act was beyond my ability to comprehend or plan. HOWEVER, I did not want to live. I prayed many a night that God would make me sick and take me away. I figured there was nothing left for me on Earth so why be here. 

As time marched on and those feelings began to lessen, mere numbness set in. Instead of praying for death, I started to just not care. If I lived, “oh well” and if I died, “oh well.” And this is the feeling I lived in for years. I came to grips with the fact that I was pretty healthy and a good driver so I probably wasn’t going to die. So I had to be content with living and I did. I rarely sat in my house if I was invited out. I was surrounded by friends and loved ones. And that was more than enough to keep me going. 

This morning, I woke up and enjoyed my many birthday wishes on Facebook and then all of a sudden it hit me. I’m 34! I had a sudden sunken feeling of I’m getting older and I still have so much to do. I told my girlfriend how I felt and she asked why I was so upset. And without hesitation, I replied, “I’m not ready to die.” And then it hit me. This really is the next step in my journey. I am no longer apathetic but I now have dreams and goals again. And I think that it is probably the best birthday present I can get. (Although the presents I got are pretty sweet!). So happy birthday to me and many more; we just won’t be counting the rest!
 With Comedian Jim Jeffries @ The Stress Factory


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Lisa Anderson said...

Yes, its your Birthday James!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! I can still hear my son Corbyn telling me about you on TV getting your tattoo in memory of Katie. He googled the show and then you, and I am not sure how, but he got your phone number....and the rest, well is that I got a wonderful friend. Although we have never met, we share so much in common. As I sit here and read your post, it just amazes me how many things that you felt, I did as well. I also prayed for God to make me sick, as I did not want to be here either. But as time has passed, and I have become a Christian. I have come to accept Dons passing, and I am at peace. And that as you know, Is a great and wonderful feeling.
I am so Happy for you James, and I want to Thank you so much. You have been a great inspiration to me and so many others. As far as you being OLD!!! I am 49, LOL But its ALL GOOD.
I Thank God for bringing you into my life. You have helped me with my journey, the journey in dealing with my late husband pancreatic cancer. I know that God has great and wonderful things in store for you.
Lisa Anderson

Kurt Doan said...

James, did your wife go to Penn State?


Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.