After Katie passed, I was never once suicidal. I don’t know if the antidepressants were working or my strong faith wouldn’t let me consider the idea. There was the occasional, “what if I just run off a bridge” moment but the selfishness of the act was beyond my ability to comprehend or plan. HOWEVER, I did not want to live. I prayed many a night that God would make me sick and take me away. I figured there was nothing left for me on Earth so why be here.
As time marched on and those feelings began to lessen, mere numbness set in. Instead of praying for death, I started to just not care. If I lived, “oh well” and if I died, “oh well.” And this is the feeling I lived in for years. I came to grips with the fact that I was pretty healthy and a good driver so I probably wasn’t going to die. So I had to be content with living and I did. I rarely sat in my house if I was invited out. I was surrounded by friends and loved ones. And that was more than enough to keep me going.
This morning, I woke up and enjoyed my many birthday wishes on Facebook and then all of a sudden it hit me. I’m 34! I had a sudden sunken feeling of I’m getting older and I still have so much to do. I told my girlfriend how I felt and she asked why I was so upset. And without hesitation, I replied, “I’m not ready to die.” And then it hit me. This really is the next step in my journey. I am no longer apathetic but I now have dreams and goals again. And I think that it is probably the best birthday present I can get. (Although the presents I got are pretty sweet!). So happy birthday to me and many more; we just won’t be counting the rest!
With Comedian Jim Jeffries @ The Stress Factory