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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Living a dream

What's weird is that I thought that my life was like a dream. I had everything that I could ever dream of (well, I could dream up some pretty elaborate mansion/car dreams, but . . .) and now it feels like my life is a dream because it seems that it can't be real. How can life go from one extreme to the other so quickly? At least if I could blame myself like I killed someone or went to prison or something that was my fault then I could understand why. It seems like I'm being punished and I can't figure out what I did wrong. And I know that I'm not being punished. And that if anything, Katie has been rewarded, but that doesn't make it much easier.
Everything right now reminds me of her. For a while, it seemed that I didn't think of her 24/7, but right now, it seems that I think of her every waking second. What would she think of this, she won't get to do that, she would laugh at this, she would hate that. Every thought that goes through my head has her fingerprint on it. And getting back to the dream. It seems that something is a dream. Either that I knew Katie and that she was part of my life or that this whole cancer/death thing is a dream. It can't all be real. Those 2 months seemed like an eternity because I lived every single second of them. I was there day and night making sure that she was as ok as I could make her. Looking back, the cancer overcame her so quickly and maybe that was a blessing. She didn't have to suffer long. But that just doesn't seem to make a difference right now. And what's just as hard is I'm sitting here typing in a room that at this point, was supposed to be lined with Beanie babies and painted with poetry and decorated with the John Lennon baby decorations. There should be a crib set up and a dresser full of baby clothes that would only get used once! Katie should be asleep in the next room and I should be anxious about the upcoming month. I have such a sense of entitlement. This was the life I wanted, I worked hard to get it, so I deserved it. How could it be taken from me? How is it possible that people who change spouses more than cars get to keep looking but when I found more than I ever I wanted, I have it ripped from me. How can people be so selfish to cheat on their spouses, or just get tired of being married and get divorced and yet, I am stuck in the situation I'm in. "They" weren't kidding when they said that life wasn't fair. Not only is life not fair, but it seems to enjoy the irony.

1 comment:

JP Manzi said...

James, this is great, let me know when you are making this public so I can link too it and do my best to get it out there.


Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.