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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Hair today, gone tomorrow


Seeing all the Hollywood stars with their long blond hair has been tough. Who'd a thought that hairstyles could be so tough to see. From Nicole Kidman at the Oscars to Carrie Underwood on American Idol, long blond hair is in and I can't help but think of how beautiful Katie's hair was and how much fun she'd be having straightening her hair to match.

I was thinking tonight how I've heard other widows have been told that although their situations are unfortunate, they now have a chance to start over and make better decisions. I wish that I could say that. I wish that I had made bad decisions and that my marriage wasn't so great. I wish I could find someone else who possessed qualities that I liked better than Katie's. I wish that we'd have fought or that we didn't want the same things in life. But for me, I did find the person that was my perfect match. Katie always said that there wasn't just one "right" person for everyone. I hope she's right. She was right about everything else. Someone actually asked me the other day if I'd found someone yet. I had to look beyond the ridiculousness of that question and though I wanted to get mad, it actually made me really sad for that person. They have no idea what's it's like. Not what it's like to lose someone but what it's like to love someone like I do. So as much as I wish that my life hadn't been so "perfect", I'm glad to have had what I had. I just wish I could understand why I couldn't keep it. For those that watch Heroes, I wish that guy who can erase your memory would come to my house. It wouldn't change what I had, but at least I wouldn't dwell on it. I know that there is no time frame, but I do feel like I'm behind in my healing. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I can get through the days. I can work and be productive. I can actually wake up and go the gym. But I still just can't fathom moving on. I can't imagine being with someone else or growing old alone. I can't imagine a time when everything won't remind me of her. At what point do you stop being constantly reminded? Do doctors still perform lobotomies?!

I have put a new link on the blog. It is for donations for Katie's sister Teresa who will be walking in the Relay For Life in Atlanta in honor of Katie and her caregivers. Katie and I walked in the Relay for Life in Tallahassee for the last 2 years that we lived there after her surgery was successful in removing all of the cancer from the melanoma found in 2004. Katie loved the Relay, but always felt that she didn't deserve to be there. She felt that because she was "lucky" and found the melanoma early enough to remove it all, that her plight wasn't as big and important as others who struggled with chemo, radiation and everything else that goes along with cancer that didn't have to do. But she was always proud to be in it and enjoyed the camaraderie with people that all held a common bond. I'm proud of Teresa for continuing to do this for Katie. Please help support her if you can.

3 comments:

Adam Roe said...

James,

I found this website via JP Manzi's link and I'm glad he decided to introduce his readers to you.

It's always a little hard to reply when someone is experiencing such deep, personal anguish. Words are an entirely inadequate means by which to express sorrow for another person's grief. Unfortunately words are all I have, so please know that I am very much sorry for the loss of Katie. You will be in my prayers, and I would humbly shoulder some of your sorrow if such a thing were possible. God bless, James. I'll continue checking in.

Adam

thedougout said...

James,

I, too, found your blog via JP's website. Wow. I can't imagine what kind of heartache this must be for you. Know that I am praying for your healing and for the healing of others that will read your words and be touched by them.

The Lord bless you and keep you,

Doug

Paula Harrington said...

Also came from JP's site.

I'll be praying for you, too.

Paula

Welcome

Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.