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Friday, March 23, 2007

It's all for me

I have suddenly become harshly aware that everything I do is for me. For almost the past decade of my life, everything I did was for Katie and our future. I cared way more for her than for myself so it was easy to devote my time and actions towards our future goals. Now everything I do is for me. It is for my present and future. It's strange how I have been working so hard towards a goal at work so that I could help make a better life for us. Now it will make a better life for me, but that doesn't feel rewarding. It doesn't mean that I won't continue striving for that goal because right now it is one of the few "normal" things that I have going on. Even with eating better and working out, it is for me, but it doesn't feel very satisfying. If my pants had elastic and there weren't mirrors in my house, I could be quite content with my weight! So, here I am stuck on another quandary. How do I find satisfaction in my own achievements? I guess that is one of the questions I'll be able to answer when and if I find a new meaning. Does everyone know their meaning in life? Before this, I'm not sure if I had the wherewithal to know that it was being a great husband and father, to support and nourish my family. Looking back, I can see that very easily. So maybe I'm trying to find this meaning when it may be in front and I just can't put my finger on it yet. Maybe I'll look back to this day and realize that I knew it but didn't realize it. Hmmm.
My daily bible reading this morning was the story of Ruth. It was one of Katie's favorites so I was very excited when I turned to it. It really took on such a new meaning as I read it. So many times, I read the bible and they are stories or laws and such and I try to find meaning and relevance. But I read things so differently now. Especially when it comes to things like death, widows, and getting to Heaven. It's amazing to think that Ruth had to become a widow for Jesus Christ to be born. She had to mourn the loss of her husband and all the pain that she felt. She was content to be with her mother-in-law and support her for the rest of her life and then she found a man that would take care of her and through him continued the blood lineage of our Savior. So with that in mind, maybe I'm supposed to marry someone else and have a child who'll become President! Or well, maybe president of a big corporation. Or the president of the PTA. Or play a president in a play. So the point is, I'm not the only one in this world who has suffered a loss of a spouse and great things have happened from tragedies like mine. My clock is ticking. I'd like to know when that will happen!


Anonymous said...

I found your blog on Jennifer Ireland's site. I am so sorry for your loss. Always remember that your faith in Jesus Christ will bring you , your wife and your daughter together again.

Anonymous said...

Everything is in God time not ours. Keep your faith as this will see you through.

God Bless,

Heidi in Greenwood,MO


Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.