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Monday, March 26, 2007

Haunting sounds

Instead of being haunted by ghosts, I'm haunted by Katie's music. When we lived in Tally, Katie made a CD for me in case she ever died and I was supposed to make one for her. True to form, I procrastinated and never did and forgot that she made one for me. I stumbled across the play list on Media Player which I never listened to a while back and it jogged my memory. Well, since the weather has gotten nicer, I've been driving Katie's car and her radio hasn't been working. Tired of listening to my own thoughts, I began playing around with the radio and ejected the CD not know if there was even one in the player. There was and when I listened to it, it was the CD of the play list Katie made for me. The last CD she ever listened to was the one she made for me if she ever died. I couldn't believe it. Several times I thought I would have to pull over because I was crying so hard while listening to the songs. Of all the Cd's that she could have had in there? How completely non-coincidental.
Fran had the video from the wedding and a random video Katie and I took over a 2 year span converted to DVDs and we watched them on Saturday. I love those videos. It's the only way I get to see & hear Katie. It is very comforting and I am so thankful to her for doing that. What I really like most about the videos is there is quite a bit that is Katie without me. I get to see just her. And there's a lot of us and I love watching how we interact. And I especially love the wedding video. Our wedding day was everything that we dreamed it would be and she was so happy. You could see it in every shot and picture. That was the happiest moment of our lives and coming up would have been the next happiest moment of our life. Life right now should be very hectic. My managers at work should all be on call for Katie to go in labor. We should be putting any finishing touches on the apartment. There should be lots of excitement and grumbling about when the baby would come. I should be getting excited about my family coming to visit. There should be lots of talk about whether the baby is a boy or a girl since we were going to wait and find out. I found an unused tube of Palmer's Stretch mark cream today. There should be a faint smell of cocoa butter when Katie enters the room. She was very excited about me using it on her every night.
I am feeling very "why" tonight. I can't believe that this is my life now. I can't believe that God was so good to me and then took it all away. I don't understand how this happens. I don't get it. Why were people in the Old Testament so privileged to get to talk to God and we can't. Well, we can, but he doesn't talk to us. At least not the way I want him to. I want answers. I want to know why I'm left to be tortured here on Earth. Is Earth Hell? Have I been forsaken? Ughhhh!!
In the grocery store today, I heard a song by Gary Allen that he wrote when his wife died. I remembered hearing it a couple of years ago and it was really moving. I hadn't heard it in a long time since I don't regularly listen to country but it was playing at the ACME and it listened to it. I stood there frozen in the freezer aisle (no pun- well, maybe a small one). At first I tried to look interested in something in the freezer box but then I didn't care. I just was so bombarded with emotions that it didn't bother me if people were staring at me. When it was over, I was glad that I didn't make a bigger scene by falling on the floor crying or leaving my basket and jetting out the front door. It's what I would have liked to have done, but instead, I sucked it up and moved on. I am including the lyrics if you are interested.
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
[Chorus]But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had
So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better
And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

4 comments:

Adam Roe said...

James,

You've not been forsaken, and take comfort in the knowledge that you're not wrong for feeling this way. We should feel this way, as God didn't create us emotionally to deal with death. He created us for everlasting physical and emotional life and it is a wrenching reality that we must temporarily experience this death. Our hearts and minds are not equipped to deal with such trauma.

We can thank God that you will see Katie again...not just in spiritual form way up there (wherever that is exactly). When God makes things new we will have perfect incorruptible bodies and a perfect earth in which we will never again have to deal with death or separation. I'm sure that's of little comfort to you now, but know that the brokennes of this world will be repaired by God in the world to come. You will see her again, and she will see you. In the life to come, however, there will be no brokenness, no death, and no separation. You'll have forever to be with each other. Again, it's little comfort now, but hopefully it's something to look forward to.

You remain in my prayers, James.

Adam

JP Manzi said...

Nice thoughts Adam, thanks for participating on James blog

James,

I love your "realness". This was so real, I felt your words today. I have not seen you in a week and feel that I am "letting you down", especially with the gym.
That is the hope of our faith James, the hope, that we will see our loved ones again. I read over Adams words again, and I know that I could not say it any better. Yes, we can thank God for the hope of tomorrow, the hope of better things to come for us all.
Know, that you are in our continued prayers.

Anonymous said...

Sending out thoughts and prayers for you.
Kristi E. (Lee's Summit, MO)

dawny said...

Hi James

I saw your page on Jen Ireland's blog and I just want you to know that I am thinking of you. You and Katie have also touched the lives and hearts of people that you have never met. My thoughts are with you. Dawn (Cardiff, Wales, UK)

Welcome

Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.