Haunting sounds

Instead of being haunted by ghosts, I'm haunted by Katie's music. When we lived in Tally, Katie made a CD for me in case she ever died and I was supposed to make one for her. True to form, I procrastinated and never did and forgot that she made one for me. I stumbled across the play list on Media Player which I never listened to a while back and it jogged my memory. Well, since the weather has gotten nicer, I've been driving Katie's car and her radio hasn't been working. Tired of listening to my own thoughts, I began playing around with the radio and ejected the CD not know if there was even one in the player. There was and when I listened to it, it was the CD of the play list Katie made for me. The last CD she ever listened to was the one she made for me if she ever died. I couldn't believe it. Several times I thought I would have to pull over because I was crying so hard while listening to the songs. Of all the Cd's that she could have had in there? How completely non-coincidental.
Fran had the video from the wedding and a random video Katie and I took over a 2 year span converted to DVDs and we watched them on Saturday. I love those videos. It's the only way I get to see & hear Katie. It is very comforting and I am so thankful to her for doing that. What I really like most about the videos is there is quite a bit that is Katie without me. I get to see just her. And there's a lot of us and I love watching how we interact. And I especially love the wedding video. Our wedding day was everything that we dreamed it would be and she was so happy. You could see it in every shot and picture. That was the happiest moment of our lives and coming up would have been the next happiest moment of our life. Life right now should be very hectic. My managers at work should all be on call for Katie to go in labor. We should be putting any finishing touches on the apartment. There should be lots of excitement and grumbling about when the baby would come. I should be getting excited about my family coming to visit. There should be lots of talk about whether the baby is a boy or a girl since we were going to wait and find out. I found an unused tube of Palmer's Stretch mark cream today. There should be a faint smell of cocoa butter when Katie enters the room. She was very excited about me using it on her every night.
I am feeling very "why" tonight. I can't believe that this is my life now. I can't believe that God was so good to me and then took it all away. I don't understand how this happens. I don't get it. Why were people in the Old Testament so privileged to get to talk to God and we can't. Well, we can, but he doesn't talk to us. At least not the way I want him to. I want answers. I want to know why I'm left to be tortured here on Earth. Is Earth Hell? Have I been forsaken? Ughhhh!!
In the grocery store today, I heard a song by Gary Allen that he wrote when his wife died. I remembered hearing it a couple of years ago and it was really moving. I hadn't heard it in a long time since I don't regularly listen to country but it was playing at the ACME and it listened to it. I stood there frozen in the freezer aisle (no pun- well, maybe a small one). At first I tried to look interested in something in the freezer box but then I didn't care. I just was so bombarded with emotions that it didn't bother me if people were staring at me. When it was over, I was glad that I didn't make a bigger scene by falling on the floor crying or leaving my basket and jetting out the front door. It's what I would have liked to have done, but instead, I sucked it up and moved on. I am including the lyrics if you are interested.

So you sailed away

Into a grey sky morning

Now I'm here to stay

Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now

I just say your name now

[Chorus]But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world

Now I'm just a phony

Remembering the girl

Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter

Make yourself feel better

And it may take some time to

Patch me up inside

But I can't take it so I

Run away and hide

And I may find in time that

You were always right

You're always right