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Friday, June 1, 2007

Dreams, Tears and Work

I was just recently thinking that I haven't dreamed about Katie in a while. I was having dreams about her frequently for a while and then they just went away. Last night, Katie made a guest appearance. I don't remember anything about the dream except that Katie was griping at me for not walking Logan enough because he had pooped in the house. I argued that he had not pooped in the house and that we had been taking long walks in the evenings and that he hadn't pooped in the house for a long time (which is all true). Then low and behold, that little rat really did poop in the house today. Even now, I can't win an argument with her!!

Today was one of the toughest days I've had in a while. I'm not sure why but everything seemed to remind me of her and lots of images popped into my head on my drive. I almost had to pull over twice because I couldn't see past my tears. Then this evening I saw a couple of things I had been trying to find for her when she became less responsive. There was a CD and some fragrant oils that she loved. I looked everywhere for them and then a few weeks after she passed, I found them. Tonight I stumbled on them again and I just started saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I'm not sure why. I know that she was OK without them and she has even better now. I guess I just feel like I failed because I wanted to continue doing what I would usually do for her which was find ways to make her happy. And feel like I failed. Rationally I know that it's OK, but that is one of the few things I regret and wish that I could have been able to do for her.

So here's the brief update on my life and why I have been so busy. I am commuting to East Brunswick, NJ 6 days a week to help a new store get opened. I have been doing the hiring and all of the preopening organization. We still have 2 more weeks of hiring and then training begins. I have really enjoyed the change of pace and getting involved with helping to set a restaurant up for success. It reminds me of my coordinator years. I will be staying around there to help until at least the end of July. I think it will be a great challenge and we have hired an awesome staff so far which will help to make the opening a little easier. So that's my life in a nutshell. I've been trying to go to bed a little earlier than usual since I have to commute in the mornings. That's been a bigger challenge than the actual work. But I'm getting better. Just as I get really comfortable going to bed early, I'll be switching back to my normal work hours though!

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Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.