I pulled out some old "Grief books" that were given to me when Katie passed away. I read them then and then put them away. I think that it was too soon to read them because as I am rereading them, I see more relevance. Especially the idea about denial and depression. One book said that depression would kick in 2-4 months after the tragedy which makes sense to me. The denial chapter said that my denial might come out in dreams where Katie would be alive just like the dream I had where she came home and said that they had made a mistake. I guess there is something to this "give yourself at least a year to grieve" thing.
I had a major setback last night. I lost my last voice mail from Katie. It was a funny little message. She had called to ask me to pick up some tape, scotch and masking. She started to give me a reason and then said "just do it, OK?" And then she laughed and said, "I love you." Her voice was weak. It was right after we had come home from the hospital. I have the message memorized but I loved to play it so that I could hear her voice and hear her tell me that she loved me. I know that I can play it in my head anytime and all the time, but it's not quite the same. I had been hanging on to that message for 5 months and then it was just gone. Sometimes I think that maybe I died and went to hell. I know that God is with me as I go through this. I know that he has given me an incredible family, church, work and friends. And without them I would truly have nothing. So as bad as things get and as much as I complain, I know that I have my support group and that I am blessed for that.