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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Grief Books

I pulled out some old "Grief books" that were given to me when Katie passed away. I read them then and then put them away. I think that it was too soon to read them because as I am rereading them, I see more relevance. Especially the idea about denial and depression. One book said that depression would kick in 2-4 months after the tragedy which makes sense to me. The denial chapter said that my denial might come out in dreams where Katie would be alive just like the dream I had where she came home and said that they had made a mistake. I guess there is something to this "give yourself at least a year to grieve" thing.
I had a major setback last night. I lost my last voice mail from Katie. It was a funny little message. She had called to ask me to pick up some tape, scotch and masking. She started to give me a reason and then said "just do it, OK?" And then she laughed and said, "I love you." Her voice was weak. It was right after we had come home from the hospital. I have the message memorized but I loved to play it so that I could hear her voice and hear her tell me that she loved me. I know that I can play it in my head anytime and all the time, but it's not quite the same. I had been hanging on to that message for 5 months and then it was just gone. Sometimes I think that maybe I died and went to hell. I know that God is with me as I go through this. I know that he has given me an incredible family, church, work and friends. And without them I would truly have nothing. So as bad as things get and as much as I complain, I know that I have my support group and that I am blessed for that.

4 comments:

JP Manzi said...

True, we are here for you man.

I'm sorry that you lost that voice message but I believe (in the long run) it's a step forward, not a letting go, but moving forward. You will always have the memories, the thoughts and the dreams.

Christina Taylor said...

I can imagine your despair at the loss of the voicemail with Katie's voice. I have a very important voicemail that I have been keeping for the last 7 years. I often think about how I would feel if I accidentally lost it.
Grief definitely happens in stages, and it does go on for quite some time. It does get better. I believe everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for each of us. No matter how cruel it may seem he has been to you, it is all part of a larger plan. We may never know the reason for things while we are living this life, but it will all come together some day. You will be a stronger, wiser, and more compassionate (among other things) person for living through this.
You ARE an inspiration to others. I think, if you can get through this day, so can I. You inspire me, so I pray for you. I pray that you find the strength each day to get out of bed and to hold your head up and inspire for another day. I pray with each passing day your grief lessens a bit. I pray with each passing day that you find at least one thing to make you smile. God Bless

JEN said...

DEAREST JAMES,HI THERE
HOPE THIS FINDS U TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME USING BABY STEPS FORWARD ALONG YOUR WAY. I TOO LOST THE VOICEMAIL NEARLY 9 YRS AGO AND EVEN WENT TO THE EXTREME AND WENT TO HIS OFFICE TO FIND HIS AWAY MESSAGE THERE WITH NO LUCK...WE WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HERE THAT VOICE AGAIN BUT IT WILL BE WITH US ALWAYS....WITH FAITH AND FRIENDSHIP IN WIDOWHOOD JEN MILLER FROM KC,MO

JEN said...

ONE MORE THING FROM ME,
LISTEN TO THE WORDS OF THE SONG BY JOSH GROBAN " U LIFT ME UP" GOD IS LIFTING YOU UP EVERYDAY JAMES...I HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO THAT SONG EACH DAY ON MY WAY TO WORK FOR YEARS....TRULY LEAVES YOU WITH A SENSE OF CONTENTMENT IN YOUR HEART AND BLESSINGS IN YOUR SOUL
WITH FAITH AND FRIENDSHIP IN WIDOWHOOD AGAIN TODAY, JEN MILLER
IN KC, MO

Welcome

Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.