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Monday, April 9, 2007

Easter

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter. I was privileged to be off today and I was able to spend it with Larry and Fran and Katie's aunt, uncle and cousins. It was a perfect day filled with great food and conversation. I am thankful for Easter because it reminds me that Jesus died for my sins and because of him, I'll be able to see Katie and Prudence some day. I watched the last half of Deep Impact this evening. An interesting take on the idea of giant meteors destroying the Earth. I discovered how drastically my ideas have changed because I remember being much more concerned the first time I saw the movie and now I thought, "how wonderful!" I know that everyone doesn't share my enthusiasm for the world ending, but I do think I have something much better else where!
Work has been a little tough lately. Not the actual work but as I talk to guests, I am emotionally battered by them as they celebrate 30th birthdays with their 4 month child in hand, as they celebrate telling parents about a newly discovered pregnancy, as a big sister takes a little sister by the hand and leads her to the restroom. It seems lately that there is always something to remind me. I thought that as time went on that the emotional pitfalls would lessen but it seems that they are becoming more frequent. I pray every night to dream about Katie. I want to talk to her and tell her this or that. I want to hold and smell her hair. I want to hear her laugh and her praise (especially since I dragged the trash to the street tonight!). I want to have someone to listen to me complain and not judge me.
Alright, back to Easter. So Easter wasn't a super special holiday for us. It is tough for us to have special holidays because we made life such a holiday. If I got off work, we considered it a holiday. If we both had the same day off, it was like a holiday. While we were dating, I remember one year she made a surprise trip to Arkansas to see me. Unfortunately, my family can't keep a secret, but I acted surprised all the same. Luckily, I didn't know too far in advance because I could barely contain my excitement. My grandma called me to come over for breakfast on the Friday before Easter and after driving all night with a friend, Katie was waiting in the kitchen. On the video that I found from our camcorder, there are several minutes that she recorded on her trip up from Florida. It's funny listening to her reference me as her boyfriend. It seems so long ago that I was only a boyfriend and not a husband or fiance! That's my fondest memory of Easter with Katie. My family always camped out for Easter when I was growing up. That particular Easter, we weren't able to so I pitched a tent in my Grandma's backyard and we had our own little camping trip complete with an Easter egg hunt and cookout. I love surprises and it was one of my favorites from Katie. I will always remember seeing her face as her smile beamed across it while standing in my grandma's kitchen. Not only was she so excited to see me, but she was so proud of herself for "surprising" me.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I learned of your site from the Jennifer Ireland site, and I wanted you to know that you are in my prayers daily. I wish you comfort, and many more dreams of your precious Katie. And hopefully with time your spirit will heal.

Christina Taylor said...

I learned about your site from the Jennifer Ireland site....I wanted you to know that I think of you often and keep you in my daily prayers. Your loss has been so great. I can't imagine myself being as strong as you have been. Please find comfort in knowing your pain will always be there, but it will lessen just a bit as time goes on, I to pray you dream of Katie tonight and every night. God Bless

Jeanna said...

James,
Something occurred to me today while reading about your life with Katie, and it reminded me of the despair I felt when my mom died in November 2002. I do not pretend to know how you feel losing your wife, and it fills me with dread and fear to think of losing my husband. Back to Mom...It is hard. Firsts were hard. I had to learn to enjoy again because I would always be sad that I couldn't call her and tell her about it. I am the youngest of 4 children. The 3 older ones went through their share of reblliousness and grudge holding with Mom. But I never did any of that. Even as a teenager, I always got along with and respected her. She was my best friend, and I was bombarded with "why's", anger and sadness during her 5 month illness and after her death. I came to realize that since I was relatively young when she died that I wouldn't have had much time to "make-up" as a mature person with rational thinking (as opposed to a surly teen). I was meant to be a "good kid" so that I wouldn't lose any time with her. You were meant to have a "perfect" marriage so that you wouldn't lose any precious time with Katie. I agree wholeheartedly with you that it is better to have known what you had than never to have had it.
It has been nearly 5 years, and I still go to bed nightly hoping to dream of my mom. I, too, cherish those dreams. Life is easier now. I miss her daily, but I have wonderful memories. Good luck to you.

Welcome

Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.