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Monday, August 6, 2007

Caught Up In Life

Life has been so incredibly busy that I have been consumed by it. And reality has given me a swift kick in the butt recently. For about 4 months, I have been extremely busy with traveling to East Brunswick and working those crazy restaurant hours so that when I come home I got to bed and do it again. I thought this was pretty good for me because it kept my mind on other things. But somehow that changed recently. I guess it all started when I received the 2006 Samaritan Community Impact Report. I had done a photo shoot for it in June and knew that it was coming at some point but I had actually forgotten. It was beautifully done. There was a really nice photo and a whole page devoted to our story. There were only 3 stories that were featured so I am very honored to have had ours be one of them. The report shows statistics and financial information and is sent to all the donors and directors and such. But somehow seeing the story in black and white was a stark reminder of the reality I'd been trying to forget. Then at work on Sunday, I was opening the door for the this older man pushing his wife in a wheelchair. As I watched them, I realized that she was not completely wheelchair bound and that there was something in the woman's eyes that was similar to Katie's. And what a blessing it was that she could still come out to eat with her hubby. From that point on, my emotions have been uncontrollable. I'm either crying or blowing up. I have no tolerance right now for anything. I left work early last night and slept for 12 hours. I woke up feeling good and so I went to the gym and of course, the woman beside me starts talking across me to another woman and tells her that her daughter is 7 weeks pregnant today with triplets. She was on fertility drugs for a year and a half. That was more than I could bare. Usually it doesn't bother -- usually I can contain my sadness when I hear these stories but right now, it is more than I can bear to hear. Everything is a trigger that sets me off. So I have taken a few days off just to be alone. I'm hoping that if I'm away from people for a while, I'll miss them and have more tolerance again. I'm also going to see my doctor to get back on some meds. With the next few months looming, I know there are going to be a lot of hard times. This time last year, Katie was just starting to complain about the pain. And we had no idea. So lots of emotions will resurface. Lots of images will start flashing. Many things that we thought and said will run through my mind. I guess I've had a nice 6-week break, but the misery-free vacation is over.

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Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.