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Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Birthday, Katie!

I woke up this morning immediately thinking about Katie. I always made her breakfast for her birthday. So this morning, I made breakfast for my house guests instead. It's tough when people who should realize what today is don't. Certain people I don't expect to know, but certain people I do. And maybe it's because her birthday fell on a holiday that they are preoccupied, but it is really frustrating when they expect you to be happy or normal and I have good reason not to be. And the last thing I want to do is throw it in their face so I've discovered it is just easier to not talk to people and become a recluse when I'm emotionally unstable. Fortunately, it's not all the time, but I definitely struggle with not getting mad at my friends and family for not being more sensitive. I made it to church but left shortly after service began. As I sat there listening to talk of Father's day, thinking about Katie's birthday and realizing that I am no longer looking forward to the butterfly release, my emotions crashed. I've discovered that I can keep my emotions together to get though big events like the memorial and the b-fly release, but at some point it all catches up. I thought it had caught up to me last night as I pulled into the drive and for some reason just couldn't pull myself together. I had nothing to cry about. The day was perfect. We raised a lot of money for PanCAN. I had a blast with my friends and family and yet, I lost it. So I thought it was done and over but today was only worse. I called my dad to wish him a happy father's day and when I said it, it ran through my mind how nice it would have been had things been different and he'd been able to say it back to me. But that's not the case now and who knows what the future holds. I've gone back and forth today with looking at or watching some of Katie's favorite things or pictures to just completely mindless games of solitaire. I am scared that I'll be lingering in this mindset for a while, but hopefully it is just the culmination of 2 big days in one. Work will be extremely busy for a while as we are training the new staff this week and opening next week. I will also be going to one of my best friends weddings next weekend so there'll be plenty to keep my mind preoccupied. And that is good, but I've discovered this weekend that I have been so busy that I don't devote any time to thinking about it except for the unexpected and I miss my memories of her. I don't want to get so involved with being busy that I ignore my past. And part of me being busy lately has been planning for this weekend which is an obvious reminder. I won't have that now. It's like I want to be depressed but I don't have time for it! So I'm scared that I'll go deeper in depression and I'm scared that I won't be depressed. I'm not really sure if that makes sense!

I'll be posting pictures of the butterfly release as soon as I have some. So if anyone took any, please email them to me. I'd love to have them!

4 comments:

JP Manzi said...

Tara told me how beautiful everything was. I am greatly looking forward to the photo's and videos! The weather could not have been more perfect!

Carver-Family said...

You don't know me, but I've been keeping up with your blog. I work with a former coworker of yours (Angie). You worked with her at a restaurant in North Little Rock and I now work with her at a bank in Cabot.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think about you a lot and pray for comfort and peace for you. You can tell by reading your blog that you and Katie had an amazing love for each other.

Something you said in this post struck me and I wanted to tell you....Happy Fathers Day! You will always be a father to your precious baby that is in heaven with Katie and the Lord and NO ONE can take that away from you. My husband and I have lost 2 babies and still don't have any here on earth with us, but we always wish each other a Happy Mothers Day and Happy Fathers Day...even if no one else does. I know she was wishing you a Happy Fathers Day from Heaven as you were wishing her a Happy Birthday from here.

I do understand your feelings about wanting to bottle it up inside because you don't want to throw it in people's faces all the time. My husband and I have felt that way a lot about our babies that we lost. I know that isn't the exact same as what you are saying about Katie, but the feelings are very similar. You just want to slap people sometimes and say WAKE UP and PAY ATTENTION!!!

Anyway, I hope you are having a good day today and I can't wait to see pictures of the butterfly release.

Anonymous said...

James, as the person who was with you the most this weekend, I can say from the bottom of my heart that Kate would have been thrilled with how things went! You handled yourself very well, even at the times that you felt like you were falling apart. I am proud of you, and will keep supporting you any way I know how. Love you!

Molly said...

oops, i accidentally called myself anonymous!

Welcome

Through the worst tragedy I could never imagine, my life has become what it has become. Through this blog, I will continue to tell my story. Some days are good and many are not, but those are the cards I've been delt and I will continue to play my hand until the Lord makes me fold. Also, I hope that you will learn more about Pancreatic cancer and help bring light to this horrible disease so that other victims will be given more time to enjoy life than my precious wife had. Happy reading.