What Comes Next?

Go Shorty, It's Your Birthday!

2011-10-09T11:17:00.000-04:00

After Katie passed, I was never once suicidal. I don’t knowif the antidepressants were working or my strong faith wouldn’t let me considerthe idea. There was the occasional, “what if I just run off a bridge” momentbut the selfishness of the act was beyond my ability to comprehend or plan.HOWEVER, I did not want to live. I prayed many a night that God would make mesick and take me away. I figured there was nothing left for me on Earth so whybe here.

As time marched on and those feelings began to lessen, merenumbness set in. Instead of praying for death, I started to just not care. If Ilived, “oh well” and if I died, “oh well.” And this is the feeling I lived infor years. I came to grips with the fact that I was pretty healthy and a gooddriver so I probably wasn’t going to die. So I had to be content with livingand I did. I rarely sat in my house if I was invited out. I was surrounded byfriends and loved ones. And that was more than enough to keep me going.

This morning, I woke up and enjoyed my many birthday wisheson Facebook and then all of a sudden it hit me. I’m 34! I had a sudden sunkenfeeling of I’m getting older and I still have so much to do. I told mygirlfriend how I felt and she asked why I was so upset. And without hesitation,I replied, “I’m not ready to die.” And then it hit me. This really is the nextstep in my journey. I am no longer apathetic but I now have dreams and goalsagain. And I think that it is probably the best birthday present I can get. (Althoughthe presents I got are pretty sweet!). So happy birthday to me and many more;we just won’t be counting the rest!

With Comedian Jim Jeffries @ The Stress Factory

Random Reminders

2011-10-08T08:38:00.000-04:00

It has been over 4 years since I have updated this blog. I guess that means one of a couple of things: I've been very busy or I have moved on. At this point, it is safe to say that I just got busy.

October always kick starts the worst time of the year. After Katie died, the memories were so fresh and the dates were so clear in my head. September 30th, this happened. October 9th, this happened. October 11th, this happened. And so on. So as each day would unfold from October through November, there would be a bump in it. Some were speed humps that I could speed up and hope my shocks were good and others were mountains that would take me days to climb. But as each year has passed, minor dates have blurred and now I'm left to remember the big dates. But for the most part, they are no longer mountains. They run around in my mind like kids playing hide and seek. And once they are found, they quickly move on.

When Katie passed away, every day was filled with reminders of Katie. A cup, a show, a song, clothes, strollers, Camaros, and on and on and on. Everything stopped me in my tracks. Now, those same things still remind me of her, but they don't phase me anymore. They generally make me smile instead of hurt. And for that, I'm extremely thankful.

I like God's sense of humor . . . sometimes. I was contacted by a gentlemen who came across the blog and asked for my help to continue to get more information out to others living with or supporting those with cancer. And when I read his email, it made me laugh and then made me sad to realize that if I forgot this page existed, so did EVERYONE else! But I offered to help and if one person reads it, then hopefully an impact was made.

I have a feeling I'll be posting more again. Call me crazy, but pouring my soul out to the world always seems to help! Enjoy the article by David Haas and pass it along to anyone that could possibly benefit from it.

Fitness for Life: The Benefits of Exercise for Cancer Survivors

2011-10-08T08:09:00.002-04:00

As a cancer survivor, your primary concern is to live a healthy lifestyle and remain cancer free. The extensive treatments to send the cancer into remission can take a mental and physical toll. Even though the outcome is worth it, your next step is to remain on the road of recovery. Staying healthy is a good way to maximize long-term health and exercising can help you accomplish this goal.

Many medical studies have shown that healthy eating and exercise can prevent certain cancer. Likewise, exercise may contribute to improving the quality of life for those diagnosed with cancer. Whether the treatment is for prostate, mesothelioma or breast cancer, some can weaken immune systems and energy levels. While exercising is not a cancer cure, it can make you stronger and fitter.

Benefits of Exercise

Medical experts recommend that you begin exercising as soon as possible after a cancer diagnosis and treatment. Some studies show that most people tend to decrease activities after being diagnoses with cancer. Depression, fatigue from mesothelioma treatment, for example, feeling sick and stress contribute to a less active lifestyle.

A sedentary lifestyle could have greater adverse affects on your body’s response to treatments. However, exercising may help your recovery.

You can experience many benefits through exercise as a cancer survivor. Some include a leaner body mass, lower weight gain and improved muscle strength. Exercising can also improve your mood, reduce fatigue and boost your self-confidence.

Exercises to Maintain Fitness

Overcoming the odds of beating cancer makes you a winner. On its website www.cancer.org, the American Cancer Society recommends moderate to vigorous activity five days, for a minimum of 30 minutes.

This might not be achievable initially, unless you have a habit of exercising. Nevertheless, you can set small goals and build on the success as your exercise level increases over time.

The following exercises can help you remain fit for life.

• Resistance training to build muscle strength. Cancer treatments can cause you to lose muscle and gain fat. Lifting weights or strength training can rebuild the muscle you lost. Stretching exercises increase flexibility. This is a way to keep moving and get used to exercising. Stretching helps you maintain mobility and build up to a more vigorous exercise.

• Aerobic exercises can be jogging, swimming or walking briskly. You will burn excess calories and lose weight.

You can try any enjoyable activity to increase your fitness level. Make sure you get a complete physical before starting an exercise regimen.

By: David Haas

Go, Go, Go

2007-09-21T09:50:00.000-04:00

On top of dealing with everything right now, Life IS CRAZY! It is go, go, go with very little rest in sight. I'm either working hard or playing hard and it all stuff that's been planned. I'm looking forward to having a day to just sit at home and mope. I think there will be time in November! I will be celebrating my grandparents' 60th anniversary with them this weekend. That's a long time. It's pretty much guaranteed that I won't ever see my 60 year anniversary unless I get married this year and then live 60 years longer than I want to! JK
I also found out when I'll be going back to finish my tattoo. They are wanting to try and work me in to the first episode of the next set. I'm not sure what that means yet but I'll let you know when I find out.
Here's a cute clip of Rebecca at the shore house this past labor day.

The Late Night Diner

2007-09-19T09:20:00.000-04:00

So last night marked the anniversary of when we found out things were going to be serious.

Memory: Katie went with her mom to the MRI and then they were supposed to come to dinner at Bonefish. I remember talking to her around 6:30 to find out when they were coming in and she told me that her mom wasn't feeling well so she grabbed a can of soup. What had really happened was she had gotten a call from her doctor and told her to come to the office and to bring someone else to drive. There she was told that after racking their brains for all possibilities, the odds of these masses being anything other than pancreatic cancer were slim. When I got home from work that evening, I went about my night like any other normal night and she just waited in her brown chair for me to settle in. I guess I probably knew somewhere in the back of my mind that things weren't right and as long as I was normal, life was normal. Eventually, I sat down on the end of the couch closest to her and that's when she told me that she did have the results and that it wasn't good. This was the first time of many that I knew my body was in shock - my face went immediately numb, my ears started ringing and I lost all expression from my face. After we talked about what had happened to her that day, I quickly went to do some research while she got ready. In the short span of 5 minutes of research, I couldn't find anything promising. Katie was craving diner food so then we left to find an open diner. We first went to 4 Points and they were closed. Then we went to Hollywood, but they were about to close. So then we found Colonial in Woodbury and it was only us and 3 cops sitting down to eat. Katie ordered an open face turkey sandwich and I have no idea what I ordered. Isn't it funny that I can remember exactly what her turkey, gravy and potatoes looked like and I can't even remember what I ate. We spent the evening trying to game plan about our options, what we'd do next, and Katie spent a lot of time trying to console me. I guess we both thought that since she beat melanoma, she could beat this. I remember that we parked under a tree in the parking lot and every time I drive by that diner, I can hardly breathe because the memory is so painful. Luckily, it is rarely on my way anywhere. I think at some point, we were finally exhausted enough to go to sleep. I don't remember sleeping that night. I guess I will be finding out what I do and don't remember and that's why writing down these memories is important to me right now. It is so painful to recall but there's a peace in knowing that I have them.

I do know that that Wednesday is going to be pretty lost in my brain unless someone can remind me. I know there was a lot of time spent on the phone with my bosses and Katie making phone calls to get a biopsy scheduled. At first it was going to be local and then we finally got an in at HUP with their head GI surgeon, Dr. Drebin. God helped a lot of things fall into place for us, as he already had done by bringing us to NJ and putting us in this house and then opening a spot downstairs for us to move into.
I keep making jokes about wanting to sleep through the next 3 months but the truth is, I'm going to be so busy that they will fly by. And just in time, today is my last day of commuting to East Brunswick. I have enjoyed the opportunity that I've had there but it is too overwhelming dealing with the responsibility of the restaurant and my own emotional struggles. And this week is a hard reminder. The staff decorated my car yesterday because I jokingly told them I wasn't driving today. They got me anyway! I will miss them but the good thing is I'll see them semi-regularly in a couple of months.

Last Day Of Normal

2007-09-18T01:35:00.001-04:00

I knew that today was the day that we found out that something was wrong with Katie but I didn't think about it being the last day that it would be "normal." It was the last day before we knew that this was serious. I remember telling a friend that they found something but that it was most likely masses caused by birth control pills or that there was a possibility that it was cancer but nothing super serious. It would be the last day that I would ever get think my life would continue on as planned. I remember be most concerned about the baby and how this would affect the pregnancy because I really thought that we were going to be dealing with gall bladder issues. If only that had been true. Sigh.

Text History

2007-09-17T02:29:00.001-04:00

I was looking at the old phone I used this time last year and I pulled up the text messages that were still sitting in the memory and the realization hit me that this very time last year was the last time life was normal. There was a text on Sunday night from Katie saying that she didn't much accomplished because she was feeling so sick. Tomorrow would be her doctors appointment that snowballed into the discovery. I remember how sick she was but how we just thought it was pregnancy or gall stones or something far less serious. It's amazing how one day can change your life forever. How your hopes, dreams and goals can be completely smashed.
The weather has changed. The nights are very cool and Fall is in the air. I love this time of year. In fact, it was both mine and Katie's favorite time of the year and we used to love to go outside and smell the air and hold hands while walking Logan. I knew that this was going to be a difficult time, but it seemed so far off. Now it is here and every day will be a new reminder. So I have a feeling that my blog will be a way to record my memories. It will be good to remember, but so very difficult as well. I miss her so much right now. I miss seeing her with the windows open and a blanket around her waist while sitting in the chair working on sweepstakes entries. She would be wearing her old lady glasses, the TV would be on, Logan would be curled up around her and Kaiser would be nearby. I miss seeing her look up as I walked through the door and watching her face light up and ask how my day was or she'd start telling me about whatever she had been waiting to talk about. This sucks!

Fall Craft Show

2007-09-15T09:48:00.001-04:00

So I go to walk Logan this morning and I take him directly towards the back side of the house and down the driveway to the street behind me. I'm noticing that there are cars lined up and down the road and the whole time I'm trying to figure out who is having a party. So we walk around for a bit and I came back the same way because I wanted to figure out who was so popular but there were no signs of one particular house being bombarded with people, the people getting our of their cars didn't have gifts and they weren't dressed up. So we call the off the exploratory expedition and head back to the house when I notice that the church parking lot is packed. And then I realize. I look down the road to downtown and I see a familiar sight. It is the Pitman Fall Craft Show. Vendors line the streets selling things we don't need but seem to want anyway. I remember that last year, we went. Katie had found this Asian brocade purse at the spring craft show and wanted another. And she found one. She also found these signs/picture things that she wanted to have made for the baby's room. It was so fun walking around the event with my pregnant wife and seeing other pregnant mothers and babies and talking about ours and making plans. This was one of the last times that we were able to do something together. I had forgotten about it.
On a less depressing note, people are responding well to my tattoo. Luckily, I love it so much that I don't care but it's always good to have people agree. As the red is fading out, I'm noticing more and more of the detail. Ami did such an amazing job of adding depth and movement to it. I feel so vain because I continually find myself staring at it. I have to literally tell myself not to scratch it because it is really starting to itch! But it is healing nicely.

Miami Inked

2007-09-14T09:59:00.000-04:00

I just spent 3 days in Miami and I had such a great time. Although I was anxious about going by myself, I ended up making some great friends while there. I had people to hang out with every night and I never had that lonely loner feeling.
Let me rewind about why I went. I was chosen to get a tattoo and to be featured on the TLC show Miami Ink. If you’ve never seen it, the show features people who want to get tattoos from the show’s resident artists including Ami James, Chris Nunez, Chris Garver and Darren Brass. The show is internationally broadcast and they wanted to feature me and my story and to help increase the awareness of pancreatic cancer. So this is a really big deal and something that I had hoped would happen but couldn’t really imagine that it would. It was such a crazy experience, but I had an incredible time and met some wonderful people. Once I have my unveiling at my birthday party, I’ll post some pictures of the artwork. Ami James was my artist and he free-hand drew the tattoo on my arm – no stencil or pattern. It turned out amazing and I can’t wait to have the color put in. It is perfect. I can’t wait for everyone to see. I have to keep clothes (like sleeves) off of it for as long as possible so everyone can see it right now and I’ve had a lot of compliments from strangers already. And it was cool to see that the other tattoo artists on the show kept watching Ami draw it then outline and shade it. They were all making great comments about it. I was having this feeling of “my arm will never look the same again, I hope I’m not making the wrong decision,” but every time I look in the mirror, I am blown away and super happy that it’s mine. I feel like it should be on a wall in a museum. And I think it is done in such a beautiful way that whether you like tattoos or not, you’ll appreciate it. I won’t be finished with the color until the end of October. I am told that I will get a call a couple of weeks before it airs and when I get the word, plans are in motion for a big viewing party and everyone will be welcome. I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch it. I don’t like seeing myself on tv especially as a blubbering, crying fool, but hopefully, it will turn out great and even more importantly, maybe it will make someone aware enough about pancreatic cancer to save themselves or someone they love.

Ami working on the shading and my friend, Meaghan, a cervical cancer surviver, getting inked by Nunez.

Britney, Britney, Britney . . .

2007-09-10T03:36:00.000-04:00

Anyone that knows me, knows that I saw the Britney performance tonight. Few people were bigger fans of the hers than Katie and me and I can hear Katie now talking about the performance. So I know this has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but think that Britney's manager must hate her. Why else would she make herself look even worse than she already has?! I could go on a serious rant, but why bother. If you saw it, you already know what I'm going to say and if you didn't see it, well, it isn't even worth searching YouTube for it.

As for me, I'm about to do something that I've never done before. I'm going to be taking a trip to a city I've never visited before -- all by myself. I used to not even like to go to the grocery store by myself so this is huge. I'm anxiously excited about it. I think it will be neat to do exactly what I want to do and not have to worry about making decisions for a group. I think it will make me feel self-sufficient, but on the other hand, I will also be blatantly aware of being alone. I never thought that I would ever go on a trip by myself. I would either be with Katie or friends or I'd be working. So I know it will be hard. As outgoing as I used to be, I've become rather withdrawn from the public. I turn it on for work when I have to but right now I really prefer being alone or family or close friends. So we'll see how it goes. Luckily the trip is very short and I have a pretty busy agenda, but there is some down time.

I've been pulling out my photo albums. As I look through them, I'm reminded that I still haven't scanned so many of them that I would hate to lose. So something else I can add to my ever growing list of things that I probably won't accomplish. It's amazing to look at the pictures from our early years together and remember what I thought and then to see how it all turned out. I'm holding onto that idea right now. As much as you think you have a grasp on the present, the future remains unseen.

Please pray for my upcoming trip and that everything will go perfectly.

Dolphins, Butterflies and the New Morning Sunrise

2007-09-05T06:42:00.000-04:00

I did get up early and Fran and I grabbed some Wawa coffee and set up camp on the beach. As we were walking onto the beach, I immediately saw the fin and knew the dolphins were out. They ended up playing and eating right in front of us all morning. They are such beautiful, amazing creatures. There was a whole family splashing around. My favorite is when they come completely out of the water and then splash the water with their tail on the way back in. It's neat.
The morning was perfect and the sunrise was amazing. It seems like you wait and wait and then once the sun peeps its head over the horizon, it just takes off. We sat around talking and watching the dolphins and then just before we started leaving, we saw a monarch. It landed on the sand and I was able to get close enough to take a picture.
Once we got back to the house, everyone was up. Olivia, Teresa's daughter, wanted to watch Backyardigans. Katie always enjoyed watching this show and every now and then it she was flipping through the channels and it was on, she'd make me watch. The particular episode that Olivia wanted to watch was with the Yetti. I can still hear Katie do the Yetti call. Yetti, Yetti, Yetti, Yetti! So I'm trying to figure out how to work the DVD & TV when Olivia asks me if I would watch it with her. I debated with myself and I thought I could make a compromise. So I told her, "we'll see once I get it set up." Then like a shot straight into my heart she says, "Aunt Kate used to watch it with me." It was the first time I realized how few memories Olivia will have of Katie and this is one of them. So, needless to say, I watched the Yetti.
Then we went to the liquor store to see their wine selection that was advertised as one of the best on the East Coast. It was nice and Fran and I talked about what we'd like to try some day and what we had already tried. Then walking down one of the aisles, I just stopped and stared at a bottle. I have never seen it in the store but it was a bottle of pinot noir that Katie and I had at Alice Weingarten's restaurant in Key West. I picked the bottle up and I almost had to put it down because I was shaking so bad. So my morning was pretty much an emotional rollercoaster. I held it together though. I'm not sure how.
I also came to the realization that one of the biggest struggles I will have for the rest of my life will be little baby Rebecca. She is so sweet and well mannered. We were playing and she giggled and smiled. But every time I see her, it is a jolting reminder that she and Prudence should be the same age. So it is like watching a little one grow up and always knowing there is void where another one should be.

Sunrise, Sunset

2007-09-04T00:10:00.000-04:00

As I expected, things are really getting tough again. I'm doing well as far as getting up and getting through my days, but there are several times a day that I have to stop and regroup.
I'm at the shore tonight with Katie's family. We made plans last summer to rent a shore house and we'd all vacation together. One thing we were all excited about was that Fran would watch the babies while we played at the beach. And the reality is that Fran did babysit, but not my baby. And we did play at the beach but there was a void. But overall, I'm having a wonderful time. I'm only spending a couple of days because of work, but I think it will be better for me. I can stay busy enough for two days to not think as much but a whole week would give me a little too much idle brain time. I'm getting up to go watch the sunrise tomorrow. I love to see the sunrise over the ocean. Last year when Katie and I took our vacation to the shore, I woke up really early one morning and decided to go watch the sunrise. I didn't bother waking Kate because she loved her sleep and I knew she would still be asleep when I got back. But she woke up and when I told her what I was doing, she wanted to join me. It will always be one of the my favorite memories. We grabbed some coffee from Wawa and headed to the beach. It was still dark and the tractor that rakes the sand was still out. We got up close to the water, set up our chairs and talked and waited. The sunrise that morning was spectacular and so very peaceful. We sat and talked for some time after the sun was up and then in the water I saw this fin sticking up. DOLPHINS! There was a whole school of dolphins and we spent a good hour just watching them and trying to photograph them. They were swimming right up near the shore and they would glide up and out of the water. It was amazing. Katie always wanted to swim with the dolphins so looking back, I think that God was giving her the dolphins that morning because she would never have another chance. So needless to say, I would love to see dolphins in the morning, but I'll be happy with a beautiful sunrise.
Right now, I hate the constant reminders. It makes me very anxious and that isn't how I've ever been or want to be. I have that feeling of, "if I don't think about, I don't have to remember." And that's easier right now but unfortunately, I don't have that kind of control over my mind yet!
I do have some good news. A big opportunity I've been working on to continue raising awareness about pancreatic cancer has come through. I'll more details soon, but just pray that it all will go well.

Just a quickie

2007-08-25T02:29:00.000-04:00

I've been doing much better lately. Well, maybe not much, but definitely better. I feel better and have more energy. I've even been getting to the gym regularly this week. Now if I can just keep it up.
Last night driving home, I had a vision I hadn't really thought about in depth. It was one of those "this is what my life was supposed to be" thoughts. I had a vision that for a moment I was coming home to Katie and the baby. It was late (of course) and I didn't want to wake Katie but the baby was up so I grabbed her up and was rocking her in the recliner. It's silly to think these things because it isn't real and when I remember that it isn't, it makes things harder. But it was nice to think about and to imagine the feeling and smell.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers for the next couple of months. Also, I am working on something that could bring some world wide awareness of Katie's story. So please pray that all will go well and I'll have more details if it develops.

More Butterfly Release and Luau Pics

2007-08-11T10:42:00.000-04:00

Kevin playing with his coconuts!

A beautiful plaque created by Katie's colleagues that now hangs in Robin's Nest.

Me and Darby Cook

4 dozen butterflies in a basket!

This little guy didn't want to let go - very symbolic.

More of the beautiful scenery from the Release.

Fran and party-goers!

Lists

2007-08-11T02:22:00.000-04:00

Today I had a chance to get some budgeting and organization started. Going through all the boxes of paperwork looking for the IRS stuff reminded me of how organized Katie was. I guess I need to use her example. There are lists all over this house and in boxes. Some are meaningless house chore lists and work lists and I toss them. But other lists I remember her making or they were about things that she wanted to do. I found a drawing that she did of how she wanted the rooms in the house rearranged after the baby came. There are lists of things that we needed for the baby, a budgeting lists for the baby. And I have one list that is mine that sits next to the computer that I can't toss. It's a list of 4 items. Katie called me from the hospital one day when I ran home to pay bills and gave me a list of things to bring back. And for whatever reason that list means so much to me.
It has been good to start writing again. I forgot how therapeutic it was (and I also didn't have the time!) I think that I am going to get rid of cable for a while. I hardly ever watch TV anymore and I could be writing or reading or exercising or doing a lot more productive things. I'll see if I can actually follow through on that, but I feel that it would get me closer to doing the things that I need/want to do. And almost more importantly, it would save me 80 bucks a month. I can't believe that it costs that much!! Digging into the budget really opened my eyes to waste that is built into my spending. It's unfortunate that I haven't applied my knowledge of budgeting and finance from the restaurant to my life, but I guess it's never too late. Now if I could just start turning a profit on myself!!

When Does It Get Better?

2007-08-10T00:02:00.000-04:00

My day started very eventful. I was working hard to get a few things fixed around the apartment. I made several phone calls and got my laptop going (even though I had to reformat the harddrive losing everything on it!), thought I got my DVD player fixed (but it only worked while I was on the phone!) and then I had a nice little letter from the IRS saying that I owed a nice little chunk of money for 2005. I immediately started looking for the tax return and since Katie always did the taxes and was very organized, I knew exactly where to find them. When I went to the file labeled 2005 Tax, there was nothing in it. It was one of those times where I needed Katie to come back and tell me where she put something!! So I dug into the basement and started pulling out boxes of papers. After about an hour of half of searching, I finally came across all the 05 tax info. Relief. Now I just have to figure out what we did wrong and how do I get through this. Ugh! Seems like the devil is really attacking me right now. Just as things look up, someone stomps on my toe. I'm just realizing that I started reading my bible again last week and then I had my problems this weekend. I start to feel better and then the IRS. I guess it's a pretty obvious attack and I ask for prayers to continue to be strong and to be able to accomplish all the things that I need to do. And as my big bonus for the day, I washed Logan - it was WAY overdue. Since he was wet from the rain, I thought it was the perfect opportunity. Of course to him, I might as well have poured hot lava on him while running the vacuum cleaner! But he made it through and now he's sleeping well recupering from the trauma.

Trying Something New

2007-08-08T00:28:00.000-04:00

So I really pushed my limits today. First off, I am trying a new antidepressant so I'm hoping that this will help me get my emotions under control. And instead of avoiding Katie today, I went at it full force. First, I went to "our" beach for a couple of hours this evening. It was really peaceful even though it was packed. The waves crashing, the wind blowing, the cool sand and smell of the ocean. It has always been my escape and it where we spent every free day we could last summer. And I was ok. The worst part was this family that set up camp beside me: 2 sisters in their 30s (one pregnant) with their 4 children and the grandmother. I actually did ok with that. What caused the problem is that one of the little boys was named James and every time he would get in trouble, I thought the mom was yelling at me. It wasn't quite as relaxing but I dealt!! This evening I pulled a double whammy. While playing The Notebook which we couldn't get through without crying before, I went through the box of Katie's things from her office. It has been sitting in the dining room for months. There were pictures that she'd had up in her office in Tallahassee. I rarely saw her office at Robin's Nest, but I was not surprised to see that she had them here. There were lots of little quotes, her picture of Coretta Scott King, her sparkly fruit picture holders, lost of drawings that her kids had made her and a whole stack of compliments she'd received from her boss and teammates. When I saw the drawings, I realized that God had given her the chance to be like a parent displaying all the crayon and finger painted drawings like they were her own children's.
Then comes the movie. I have put off watching this movie until now. I'm still not sure this was right time, but I got through. It was rough, but I made it. I know that it is fiction but I really wish our love could have taken us together. Damn my health! If I could have just been sicker!! But back to my reality that I hate. I can't believe that I'm back at this point. I feel like I did when she died. I have that numb, disbelief feeling. I find myself trying to call her back, begging God to make this a dream--a nightmare.
So I leave you with a few words of wisdom that Katie had on her wall. I believe these quotes are from Emerson:

DEFINING THE MEANING OF PERSONAL SUCCESS
To laugh often and much
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends
To appreciate beauty
To find the best in others
To leave the world a bit better by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; this is to have succeeded in life.

Some Luau Pics

2007-08-06T23:19:00.000-04:00

Chef Stephanie, Jennifer and Matt Miller

Greatst Host Ever, Van Edwards and Fran

Kevin suiting up in his one size fits "all"

The Host with the Most, Jim Edwards, Fran & me.

Caught Up In Life

2007-08-06T23:00:00.000-04:00

Life has been so incredibly busy that I have been consumed by it. And reality has given me a swift kick in the butt recently. For about 4 months, I have been extremely busy with traveling to East Brunswick and working those crazy restaurant hours so that when I come home I got to bed and do it again. I thought this was pretty good for me because it kept my mind on other things. But somehow that changed recently. I guess it all started when I received the 2006 Samaritan Community Impact Report. I had done a photo shoot for it in June and knew that it was coming at some point but I had actually forgotten. It was beautifully done. There was a really nice photo and a whole page devoted to our story. There were only 3 stories that were featured so I am very honored to have had ours be one of them. The report shows statistics and financial information and is sent to all the donors and directors and such. But somehow seeing the story in black and white was a stark reminder of the reality I'd been trying to forget. Then at work on Sunday, I was opening the door for the this older man pushing his wife in a wheelchair. As I watched them, I realized that she was not completely wheelchair bound and that there was something in the woman's eyes that was similar to Katie's. And what a blessing it was that she could still come out to eat with her hubby. From that point on, my emotions have been uncontrollable. I'm either crying or blowing up. I have no tolerance right now for anything. I left work early last night and slept for 12 hours. I woke up feeling good and so I went to the gym and of course, the woman beside me starts talking across me to another woman and tells her that her daughter is 7 weeks pregnant today with triplets. She was on fertility drugs for a year and a half. That was more than I could bare. Usually it doesn't bother -- usually I can contain my sadness when I hear these stories but right now, it is more than I can bear to hear. Everything is a trigger that sets me off. So I have taken a few days off just to be alone. I'm hoping that if I'm away from people for a while, I'll miss them and have more tolerance again. I'm also going to see my doctor to get back on some meds. With the next few months looming, I know there are going to be a lot of hard times. This time last year, Katie was just starting to complain about the pain. And we had no idea. So lots of emotions will resurface. Lots of images will start flashing. Many things that we thought and said will run through my mind. I guess I've had a nice 6-week break, but the misery-free vacation is over.

And more keeps coming . . .

2007-06-21T01:58:00.000-04:00

Every one's support and generosity continues to amaze me. Since the butterfly release, we have collected another 400 dollars from friends and supporters. Several of the donations came from people who read the article or CarePages and wanted to help. So our total is now $1400! And again, that is without being a "true" fundraiser. Just people giving out of the goodness of their hearts to help others.

I am leaving in 3 hours to celebrate the nuptials of one of my best friends. Please pray for a safe flight and trip for me and everyone attending. It will be tough being away from the restaurant as this is the big weekend before the Grand Opening, but they will do great and it will be good for me to relinquish control! Hopefully, when I get back, I'll have some pictures to post from the release.

Happy Birthday, Katie!

2007-06-17T23:32:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning immediately thinking about Katie. I always made her breakfast for her birthday. So this morning, I made breakfast for my house guests instead. It's tough when people who should realize what today is don't. Certain people I don't expect to know, but certain people I do. And maybe it's because her birthday fell on a holiday that they are preoccupied, but it is really frustrating when they expect you to be happy or normal and I have good reason not to be. And the last thing I want to do is throw it in their face so I've discovered it is just easier to not talk to people and become a recluse when I'm emotionally unstable. Fortunately, it's not all the time, but I definitely struggle with not getting mad at my friends and family for not being more sensitive. I made it to church but left shortly after service began. As I sat there listening to talk of Father's day, thinking about Katie's birthday and realizing that I am no longer looking forward to the butterfly release, my emotions crashed. I've discovered that I can keep my emotions together to get though big events like the memorial and the b-fly release, but at some point it all catches up. I thought it had caught up to me last night as I pulled into the drive and for some reason just couldn't pull myself together. I had nothing to cry about. The day was perfect. We raised a lot of money for PanCAN. I had a blast with my friends and family and yet, I lost it. So I thought it was done and over but today was only worse. I called my dad to wish him a happy father's day and when I said it, it ran through my mind how nice it would have been had things been different and he'd been able to say it back to me. But that's not the case now and who knows what the future holds. I've gone back and forth today with looking at or watching some of Katie's favorite things or pictures to just completely mindless games of solitaire. I am scared that I'll be lingering in this mindset for a while, but hopefully it is just the culmination of 2 big days in one. Work will be extremely busy for a while as we are training the new staff this week and opening next week. I will also be going to one of my best friends weddings next weekend so there'll be plenty to keep my mind preoccupied. And that is good, but I've discovered this weekend that I have been so busy that I don't devote any time to thinking about it except for the unexpected and I miss my memories of her. I don't want to get so involved with being busy that I ignore my past. And part of me being busy lately has been planning for this weekend which is an obvious reminder. I won't have that now. It's like I want to be depressed but I don't have time for it! So I'm scared that I'll go deeper in depression and I'm scared that I won't be depressed. I'm not really sure if that makes sense!

I'll be posting pictures of the butterfly release as soon as I have some. So if anyone took any, please email them to me. I'd love to have them!

Sunbeam Article

2007-06-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the Butterfly release and it hard to believe. The butterflies just arrived. Just so you know, 4 dozen butterflies weigh less than a pound!

I have seen the basic article that Samaritan will be using in their yearly report. It looks great and I can't wait to see the finished product.

And today, another great article was published in the Salem County Sunbeam. I am including the link to the article. You can copy and paste in your address line. The article was written by Randall Clark and he did a lot of research and also spoke with Fran and me. It was much longer than I anticipated and front page! Enjoy and if you have time, drop Randall a line and let him know how much we appreciate him helping our cause. http://www.nj.com/news/sunbeam/local/index.ssf?/base/news-3/1181886636143760.xml&coll=9
Hope to see you tomorrow!

Dreams, Tears and Work

2007-06-01T22:55:00.000-04:00

I was just recently thinking that I haven't dreamed about Katie in a while. I was having dreams about her frequently for a while and then they just went away. Last night, Katie made a guest appearance. I don't remember anything about the dream except that Katie was griping at me for not walking Logan enough because he had pooped in the house. I argued that he had not pooped in the house and that we had been taking long walks in the evenings and that he hadn't pooped in the house for a long time (which is all true). Then low and behold, that little rat really did poop in the house today. Even now, I can't win an argument with her!!

Today was one of the toughest days I've had in a while. I'm not sure why but everything seemed to remind me of her and lots of images popped into my head on my drive. I almost had to pull over twice because I couldn't see past my tears. Then this evening I saw a couple of things I had been trying to find for her when she became less responsive. There was a CD and some fragrant oils that she loved. I looked everywhere for them and then a few weeks after she passed, I found them. Tonight I stumbled on them again and I just started saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I'm not sure why. I know that she was OK without them and she has even better now. I guess I just feel like I failed because I wanted to continue doing what I would usually do for her which was find ways to make her happy. And feel like I failed. Rationally I know that it's OK, but that is one of the few things I regret and wish that I could have been able to do for her.

So here's the brief update on my life and why I have been so busy. I am commuting to East Brunswick, NJ 6 days a week to help a new store get opened. I have been doing the hiring and all of the preopening organization. We still have 2 more weeks of hiring and then training begins. I have really enjoyed the change of pace and getting involved with helping to set a restaurant up for success. It reminds me of my coordinator years. I will be staying around there to help until at least the end of July. I think it will be a great challenge and we have hired an awesome staff so far which will help to make the opening a little easier. So that's my life in a nutshell. I've been trying to go to bed a little earlier than usual since I have to commute in the mornings. That's been a bigger challenge than the actual work. But I'm getting better. Just as I get really comfortable going to bed early, I'll be switching back to my normal work hours though!

Out of town . ..

2007-05-09T00:36:00.000-04:00

Needless to say, from my lack of blogging my time has been very tied up. I will be out of town visiting one of my best friends for 3 days. I made these plans in February and I am really excited to get to hang out for a few days. It's exactly what I need right now. When I get back, I'll update on everything that is happening which is a lot with work and the butterfly release. So stay tuned and hang tight. And please pray that I have a safe trip! And get your Mother's day cards in the mail!!

It's been a while

2007-04-22T22:52:00.000-04:00

I've discovered that it has been quite a while for me since I have updated the blog. 1-I have been wanting to blog when I actually have something good to write about and 2- I have had a busy week.
It has been a busy week for anniversaries. The first was on the 17th. That was the 1 year anniversary of the opening of Bonefish in Deptford. It it nice to look back and see the success of our restaurant. I think that we have a fantastic year and I couldn't be prouder of my staff especially the one's that have been with us since the opening. We have about 33 people still from the opening and I think that is a phenomenal number considering the turnover of most restaurants. We celebrated after work at Fridays with our original managers and several members of the staff. It is weird to think that we have been open for a year now. It still seems like yesterday that Katie and I were excited to move to NJ so that I could be the manager there. The second anniversary came on the 21st when I realized that it was my 4-year anniversary with Bonefish. It was strange to think back to when I first started with Bonefish from the interview process to the first day of training and how far I've come. It was truly a blessing for us and it is difficult to realize that that future I thought I was building for us is a future I'm building for myself. And then to take it so many steps deeper to find myself with my Bonefish family here from my staff to my supervisors and how blessed I am to have had them to take care of us during Katie's last months and even now. I would easily say that few people are as blessed as me when it comes to work. I actually had 3 days off in a row. It was exactly what I needed to start getting the apartment organized. I had a chance to go through some things in the basement and lower the height of that mess. I also went through each room and organized, filed and packed away a lot of Katie's things that I want to keep but don't necessarily need to see everyday. And I finally got my laundry caught up. Kudos! So now my new challenge it to keep up all the hard work I've done! And the biggest accomplishment of all -- I put away the Christmas decorations and took down the tree. I also got the bills organized and made my bed and slept in it for the first time in weeks. So for me, this has all been a huge accomplishment.
I also got caught up on everything I've been recording including American Idol. Martina McBride was the guest coach this past week and I think she is great. I don't listen to much new country anymore but she has always been one of my favorites. On Wednesday, she performed live and the song she sang was "Anyway." From the first line, I was hooked because not only was it beautiful and her voice is amazing, but I knew this song was going to be amazing and it was. I will post the lyrics at the bottom. They stay with me. I think about this song constantly. I heard this song at just the right time.
That's my week in brief. I'm doing OK. I would love to say that I'm doing great. I would love to be doing great. But I'm not sure how to great anymore. I had another dream with Katie in it. It seems that I'm having more and more lately. I wish it were every night, but I won't complain if it is just a couple of times a week. At least I get to see her.

ANYWAY

Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing

One storm can come and blow it all away

Build it anyway

You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way

Dream it anyway

Chorus: God is great, but sometimes life ain't good

And when I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today

Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away

Love 'em anyway

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang

Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway,

Grief Books

2007-04-11T21:07:00.000-04:00

I pulled out some old "Grief books" that were given to me when Katie passed away. I read them then and then put them away. I think that it was too soon to read them because as I am rereading them, I see more relevance. Especially the idea about denial and depression. One book said that depression would kick in 2-4 months after the tragedy which makes sense to me. The denial chapter said that my denial might come out in dreams where Katie would be alive just like the dream I had where she came home and said that they had made a mistake. I guess there is something to this "give yourself at least a year to grieve" thing.
I had a major setback last night. I lost my last voice mail from Katie. It was a funny little message. She had called to ask me to pick up some tape, scotch and masking. She started to give me a reason and then said "just do it, OK?" And then she laughed and said, "I love you." Her voice was weak. It was right after we had come home from the hospital. I have the message memorized but I loved to play it so that I could hear her voice and hear her tell me that she loved me. I know that I can play it in my head anytime and all the time, but it's not quite the same. I had been hanging on to that message for 5 months and then it was just gone. Sometimes I think that maybe I died and went to hell. I know that God is with me as I go through this. I know that he has given me an incredible family, church, work and friends. And without them I would truly have nothing. So as bad as things get and as much as I complain, I know that I have my support group and that I am blessed for that.

Easter

2007-04-09T01:58:00.000-04:00

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Easter. I was privileged to be off today and I was able to spend it with Larry and Fran and Katie's aunt, uncle and cousins. It was a perfect day filled with great food and conversation. I am thankful for Easter because it reminds me that Jesus died for my sins and because of him, I'll be able to see Katie and Prudence some day. I watched the last half of Deep Impact this evening. An interesting take on the idea of giant meteors destroying the Earth. I discovered how drastically my ideas have changed because I remember being much more concerned the first time I saw the movie and now I thought, "how wonderful!" I know that everyone doesn't share my enthusiasm for the world ending, but I do think I have something much better else where!
Work has been a little tough lately. Not the actual work but as I talk to guests, I am emotionally battered by them as they celebrate 30th birthdays with their 4 month child in hand, as they celebrate telling parents about a newly discovered pregnancy, as a big sister takes a little sister by the hand and leads her to the restroom. It seems lately that there is always something to remind me. I thought that as time went on that the emotional pitfalls would lessen but it seems that they are becoming more frequent. I pray every night to dream about Katie. I want to talk to her and tell her this or that. I want to hold and smell her hair. I want to hear her laugh and her praise (especially since I dragged the trash to the street tonight!). I want to have someone to listen to me complain and not judge me.
Alright, back to Easter. So Easter wasn't a super special holiday for us. It is tough for us to have special holidays because we made life such a holiday. If I got off work, we considered it a holiday. If we both had the same day off, it was like a holiday. While we were dating, I remember one year she made a surprise trip to Arkansas to see me. Unfortunately, my family can't keep a secret, but I acted surprised all the same. Luckily, I didn't know too far in advance because I could barely contain my excitement. My grandma called me to come over for breakfast on the Friday before Easter and after driving all night with a friend, Katie was waiting in the kitchen. On the video that I found from our camcorder, there are several minutes that she recorded on her trip up from Florida. It's funny listening to her reference me as her boyfriend. It seems so long ago that I was only a boyfriend and not a husband or fiance! That's my fondest memory of Easter with Katie. My family always camped out for Easter when I was growing up. That particular Easter, we weren't able to so I pitched a tent in my Grandma's backyard and we had our own little camping trip complete with an Easter egg hunt and cookout. I love surprises and it was one of my favorites from Katie. I will always remember seeing her face as her smile beamed across it while standing in my grandma's kitchen. Not only was she so excited to see me, but she was so proud of herself for "surprising" me.

I Bought Her Chairs

2007-04-04T23:53:00.000-04:00

I had another dream about Katie on Monday night. This time it felt like a dream though. She came into the apartment and grabbed a Coke Zero and started telling me about how they thought she was dead but she really wasn't and that she was back. I feel like I had this dream to show me what a dream was compared to the one the night before. Either way, I'm quite glad that I have been dreaming about her lately.
Yesterday was Katie's due date. Fran spent the day with me and we got into the basement and started organizing some things. I grabbed all of the boxes of baby stuff and brought them upstairs to repack in plastic bins. That way it would be a little more protected than in the boxes which were getting crushed. It was tough to look through all of the stuff. A few years ago, Katie discovered the John Lennon Baby Collection. She was such a huge Beatles fan and the collection was perfect for us. We didn't want to know the sex of the baby and it was very androgynous. Lots of bold colors and animals. Unfortunately, the collection was discontinued a year before we discovered it so Katie figured out how to use Ebay and we went a little nuts trying to find all of the pieces we wanted. We have everything from bedding to lamps to light covers and wall art, diapers, piggy banks and baby booties. We talked briefly about what I would do with the stuff and Katie said that I should just Ebay it, but I can't let go of it. I'm sure there's someone out there that would very excited to have it and it isn't fair to hang on to something that I can't use, but it is just difficult to let go. If I ever have a baby, it wouldn't be fair to make my new wife use this stuff. But maybe she'd want to. It's just too much to consider. I laughed at the stuff that we had fought so hard to win on Ebay and cried when I found the baby booties. Katie was so excited about them. She had bought them and kept them secret. She wanted to surprise me with them to tell me we were pregnant. But her plan backfired, because the day we found out, she had tested that morning and she wasn't pregnant. Then at lunch, she came home and said we should test and get it over with (knowing that she wasn't) and as she was bringing the test to me to show me the negative, it showed positive. She was so confused, she walked up and said, "what does this mean?" Then she explained her elaborate plan and how it had backfired and then she went and grabbed the booties. It was funny and exciting. She had me call the maker of the pregnancy test to ask them what it meant. We called the doctor and had a blood test drawn that day. We had been trying for so long that we just couldn't believe that it had finally worked. Tonight, I was talking with one my servers and she said that how she was able to deal with the whole thing was to think that Prudence happened so that Katie would have someone to greet her when she arrived in Heaven. It was very sweet of her to tell me that and more importantly that she cared enough to try and justify it.
I have been an emotional basket case today. I watched the beginning and end (not the middle) of Phenomenon today. I had never seen it, but it got to me when they mentioned George buying Lacy's chairs. At one point in our life, Katie told me she loved me because I bought her chairs. I had no idea what that meant and I forgot about it until I saw the movie. Then I understood. I have received a lot of cards this week from people wanting me to know that they were thinking about me. It has been nice. One of the things Katie looked most forward to each day was "mail call." I would get the mail and there would be any number of cards and I would read each card and pass it to her to look at. It was our little routine. Even when she wouldn't respond much, I still looked forward to that time each day. Maybe it was just knowing that other people cared enough to write a little something and spend whatever a stamp cost to send a note to a loved one or a stranger. I got a note today from the chaplain at HUP that spent time with us. It was precious that she still was thinking about us this many months later. She sees hundreds of patients a week and yet, she took the time to write. It made me think a lot about our time at the hospital, and the words of Katie's GI doctor continued to run through my head. I saw him in the parking garage a couple of days after he performed her biopsy and we stopped and talked and he told me, "of all the patients I have ever had, I wish I could rewrite your story." She touched everyone in the hospital the month that we were there. I never want to step foot in HUP again, but I am thankful to everyone there for taking care of Katie the way they did. So I have made it through a big milestone. I have dreaded April 3rd for quite a while. Obviously, nothing bad happened, but it was just a big reminder of what I thought was supposed to be. Our dream of having our baby at HUP and having the jacuzzi tub room with my family coming to visit Easter weekend. Being off work and up at all hours to help with feedings and diaper changes. Having my mom and Katie's mom staying at the apartment to help. Holding those little fingers and looking into her eyes. She looked so much like Katie, I wonder if she would have had blond hair and blue eyes. I thought I would be talking about how proud I was of Katie in the delivery room and hard she worked. I thought we'd be taking lots of pictures and emailing photos. And I thought I would be able to hold a perfect baby that was something that Katie and I made. It would be us. These days will pass and there will be some good days again. Katie's birthday is a couple of months away and that will be my next big hurdle. It seems as if time is flying by when I look back and standing still when I look forward. For someone who doesn't want to grow old, I sure would like for time to speed up a bit!

A Special Visit

2007-04-02T12:02:00.000-04:00

Before I woke up Sunday morning, I had the most wonderful dream. In the beginning of the dream, I was wearing glasses and then I remembered that I didn't wear glasses anymore and when I took them off, my vision was blurry. I chalked it up to the fact that I messed my eyes up by wearing them and I was quite disappointed. Then I was at the Kmart parking lot. I was here in NJ but the Kmart was the one in Tallahassee. We were putting on a fund raiser and I was helping the band set up in the middle of the parking lot. Kmart was nice enough to let us use their electricity so I was I was duck taping the extension cords to the ground when I looked up and saw Katie. She was dressed in a black and white dress jacket that hit just above the knees and flared out a bit and knee-length skirt and she had high heels on but I don't remember them. I had never see this outfit before. Her hair was down and at first, it was like she didn't see me. But as I started walking towards her, her hair started blowing in the wind and her face lit up. She was so beautiful. As I approached her, I was excited because I thought I was remembering a memory I had forgotten. I knew that this wasn't real. And when I finally reached her, before I could even speak or hug or kiss her, she handed me a card. I looked down at the card and it had little notes scribbled this way and that. She said, "Here are some notes from the other side." Back in reality, Logan started barking and everything froze. It was like hitting pause for a brief second and then it was gone. As much as this was a dream, I am inclined to believe that it was more than a dream. It never felt like a dream. Sometimes dreams are so real that it takes a minute when you wake up to readjust. This wasn't like that. I knew that it wasn't reality. Is it possible that God could allow her a chance to see me? Or is it just my imagination playing an April Fool's joke on me? Either way, it was a wonderful gift to see her.

Haunting sounds

2007-03-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

Instead of being haunted by ghosts, I'm haunted by Katie's music. When we lived in Tally, Katie made a CD for me in case she ever died and I was supposed to make one for her. True to form, I procrastinated and never did and forgot that she made one for me. I stumbled across the play list on Media Player which I never listened to a while back and it jogged my memory. Well, since the weather has gotten nicer, I've been driving Katie's car and her radio hasn't been working. Tired of listening to my own thoughts, I began playing around with the radio and ejected the CD not know if there was even one in the player. There was and when I listened to it, it was the CD of the play list Katie made for me. The last CD she ever listened to was the one she made for me if she ever died. I couldn't believe it. Several times I thought I would have to pull over because I was crying so hard while listening to the songs. Of all the Cd's that she could have had in there? How completely non-coincidental.
Fran had the video from the wedding and a random video Katie and I took over a 2 year span converted to DVDs and we watched them on Saturday. I love those videos. It's the only way I get to see & hear Katie. It is very comforting and I am so thankful to her for doing that. What I really like most about the videos is there is quite a bit that is Katie without me. I get to see just her. And there's a lot of us and I love watching how we interact. And I especially love the wedding video. Our wedding day was everything that we dreamed it would be and she was so happy. You could see it in every shot and picture. That was the happiest moment of our lives and coming up would have been the next happiest moment of our life. Life right now should be very hectic. My managers at work should all be on call for Katie to go in labor. We should be putting any finishing touches on the apartment. There should be lots of excitement and grumbling about when the baby would come. I should be getting excited about my family coming to visit. There should be lots of talk about whether the baby is a boy or a girl since we were going to wait and find out. I found an unused tube of Palmer's Stretch mark cream today. There should be a faint smell of cocoa butter when Katie enters the room. She was very excited about me using it on her every night.
I am feeling very "why" tonight. I can't believe that this is my life now. I can't believe that God was so good to me and then took it all away. I don't understand how this happens. I don't get it. Why were people in the Old Testament so privileged to get to talk to God and we can't. Well, we can, but he doesn't talk to us. At least not the way I want him to. I want answers. I want to know why I'm left to be tortured here on Earth. Is Earth Hell? Have I been forsaken? Ughhhh!!
In the grocery store today, I heard a song by Gary Allen that he wrote when his wife died. I remembered hearing it a couple of years ago and it was really moving. I hadn't heard it in a long time since I don't regularly listen to country but it was playing at the ACME and it listened to it. I stood there frozen in the freezer aisle (no pun- well, maybe a small one). At first I tried to look interested in something in the freezer box but then I didn't care. I just was so bombarded with emotions that it didn't bother me if people were staring at me. When it was over, I was glad that I didn't make a bigger scene by falling on the floor crying or leaving my basket and jetting out the front door. It's what I would have liked to have done, but instead, I sucked it up and moved on. I am including the lyrics if you are interested.

So you sailed away

Into a grey sky morning

Now I'm here to stay

Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now

I just say your name now

[Chorus]But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world

Now I'm just a phony

Remembering the girl

Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter

Make yourself feel better

And it may take some time to

Patch me up inside

But I can't take it so I

Run away and hide

And I may find in time that

You were always right

You're always right

It's all for me

2007-03-23T00:50:00.000-04:00

I have suddenly become harshly aware that everything I do is for me. For almost the past decade of my life, everything I did was for Katie and our future. I cared way more for her than for myself so it was easy to devote my time and actions towards our future goals. Now everything I do is for me. It is for my present and future. It's strange how I have been working so hard towards a goal at work so that I could help make a better life for us. Now it will make a better life for me, but that doesn't feel rewarding. It doesn't mean that I won't continue striving for that goal because right now it is one of the few "normal" things that I have going on. Even with eating better and working out, it is for me, but it doesn't feel very satisfying. If my pants had elastic and there weren't mirrors in my house, I could be quite content with my weight! So, here I am stuck on another quandary. How do I find satisfaction in my own achievements? I guess that is one of the questions I'll be able to answer when and if I find a new meaning. Does everyone know their meaning in life? Before this, I'm not sure if I had the wherewithal to know that it was being a great husband and father, to support and nourish my family. Looking back, I can see that very easily. So maybe I'm trying to find this meaning when it may be in front and I just can't put my finger on it yet. Maybe I'll look back to this day and realize that I knew it but didn't realize it. Hmmm.
My daily bible reading this morning was the story of Ruth. It was one of Katie's favorites so I was very excited when I turned to it. It really took on such a new meaning as I read it. So many times, I read the bible and they are stories or laws and such and I try to find meaning and relevance. But I read things so differently now. Especially when it comes to things like death, widows, and getting to Heaven. It's amazing to think that Ruth had to become a widow for Jesus Christ to be born. She had to mourn the loss of her husband and all the pain that she felt. She was content to be with her mother-in-law and support her for the rest of her life and then she found a man that would take care of her and through him continued the blood lineage of our Savior. So with that in mind, maybe I'm supposed to marry someone else and have a child who'll become President! Or well, maybe president of a big corporation. Or the president of the PTA. Or play a president in a play. So the point is, I'm not the only one in this world who has suffered a loss of a spouse and great things have happened from tragedies like mine. My clock is ticking. I'd like to know when that will happen!

Officially Fat

2007-03-21T01:38:00.000-04:00

Besides the fact that I can't button my pants or tuck my shirts in, I have one more marker telling me to lose weight. I have crossed the 200 lb threshold! I had my body fat tested using the hydrostatic testing (like on the Biggest Loser - same company actually) and it wasn't as bad as I thought but it's not good. I have almost 40 lbs of fat I'm carrying around. Ugh! We are running a fitness contest at work which I'm hoping will help keep me motivated. Motivation to do anything is tough to find these days so I'm hoping the fire I have to do this will not burn out, but instead, help motivate me with other things as well. Katie and I were terrible "fitness" partners. As soon as one would do good on a diet or at the gym, the other would inadvertently sabotage the other. Never maliciously. It's just human nature to want to be on equal ground so sleeping in together becomes more rewarding than going to the gym or baking brownies at midnight wasn't unreasonable. Things that I'm glad we did. The only drawback I have for not wanting to workout is it will make me healthier. I just want to wear my clothes again!
I had a busy morning with doctors. I went to the dentist this morning and had 4 fillings. I think they were mostly replacing old ones. I have a fantastic dentist who is very gentle, and the only pain I have is from the needle used to numb my mouth. It makes my mouth very achy afterwards. My teeth feel great though! Then I had a check up with my doctor and my blood pressure is down from my January visit. And my meds are working pretty well. So no complaints there.

Wanna Good Cry??

2007-03-18T22:54:00.000-04:00

I hate forwards. I don't believe that my bad luck is because I didn't forward a message to 10 friends withing 2.4 minutes. But every now and then, I'll check one out. I actually didn't come across this in an email but I Snopesed the story and it is an email out in cyberspace so some of you might have seen it. This is one of the most touching stories that I have ever heard and it is very true. I hope that you take 5 minutes of your day to read and watch the video and that it inspires you to do more with your life. God bless.
http://cjcphoto.com/can/

Logan's Winter Blues

2007-03-18T03:22:00.000-04:00

Logan doesn't do so well on ice. He handles snow pretty well. When he walks on snow, his little toothpick legs can sink to the ground and he still gets good traction although he might be cold. With the ground completely frozen over with a couple of inches of ice, Logan just slides around which makes it hard when he tries to hold himself up to pee or when he tries to keep his legs still enough to "go poo-poo". It's actually pretty funny, but a little sad! He's so pitiful looking. I'm attaching some pics of the animals. Many of you have heard lots of stories of Logan and the cats so now you can put some fuzzy faces with the names.

Katie with Kaiser (black) & Josh (silver).

Austin knew something was wrong before any of us. He was by Katie's side constantly. (Completely unusual behavior for him.)

Logan's completely over posing by this picture!

For those that have had issues trying to check out the links, they should all be fixed. I checked them myself. I think the biggest problem linkwas Teresa's Relay For Life donation page. Even if you don't want to donate, you should check it out.

St. Patty's day came and went without a hitch. Work was very busy and I didn't really have too much time to think. So I guess that was good. But now that I'm winding down for the night, it does sink in a little bit. I actually enjoyed going through a couple of photo albums last night. I thought it might be a little too depressing but the only thing depressing was realizing how out of shape I'm in right now! I feel like I have 1000s of pictures and I wish that I had 100 times that many. Although I might actually have that many if I would ever go through the boxes in the basement! So my lesson to all is take lots of pictures, of special events, of everyday goofiness. The worst thing that could happen is your grandchildren throw them away after you die because they won't recognize anyone in them.

St. Patty's Day

2007-03-17T02:26:00.000-04:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone! I had decided to battle my outrageous gas bills by turning off the heat completely and being that the weather was in the 60s and 70s last week, I felt like it was a safe bet. But today, Fate is laughing at me as I am bundled in 3 layers sitting in my home. I refuse to wear a coat in my home, but I also refuse to pay $400+ again for heat. Dilemma?! Maybe the layer of ice on everything will help insulate the apartment better than whatever is supposed to be insulating it!

I've gone through Katie's saved Favorites folder on the computer. Well, everything except the one that was labeled Cancer and Pregnant. It's nice to see her "fingerprints" on things and she saved everything on the computer which is so different from physical things which she loved to throw out. I am planning at some point to grow through her saved files on her email. She's had the email address for years so it might take some time. I also pulled out some of her photo albums that I'm going to look through later. Probably not the best idea but I'm a glutton!

St. Patrick's day was such a fun tradition for us. We always gave each other gifts and did something. Usually found some place with green beer. We did something every year except the year we found the melanoma. She was still recuperating from the surgery and waiting for the results such a fun time but we still enjoyed the day. In fact, we always enjoyed every day whether we escaped to the beach or country, went to dinner or just sat around the house watching the TV or each other. I miss enjoying things. I've done some things with friends but as far as actually enjoying anything, I haven't. I can't figure out how to enjoy. I can have fun. I can laugh. But it all feels hollow. Life feels hollow. I guess it will change. Who knows?!

I'm attaching a picture of Katie at Cat's Meow with the manager. It was our first time in New Orleans and it was St. Patrick's day. Our first one together. Good times.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

2007-03-14T22:56:00.000-04:00

Seeing all the Hollywood stars with their long blond hair has been tough. Who'd a thought that hairstyles could be so tough to see. From Nicole Kidman at the Oscars to Carrie Underwood on American Idol, long blond hair is in and I can't help but think of how beautiful Katie's hair was and how much fun she'd be having straightening her hair to match.

I was thinking tonight how I've heard other widows have been told that although their situations are unfortunate, they now have a chance to start over and make better decisions. I wish that I could say that. I wish that I had made bad decisions and that my marriage wasn't so great. I wish I could find someone else who possessed qualities that I liked better than Katie's. I wish that we'd have fought or that we didn't want the same things in life. But for me, I did find the person that was my perfect match. Katie always said that there wasn't just one "right" person for everyone. I hope she's right. She was right about everything else. Someone actually asked me the other day if I'd found someone yet. I had to look beyond the ridiculousness of that question and though I wanted to get mad, it actually made me really sad for that person. They have no idea what's it's like. Not what it's like to lose someone but what it's like to love someone like I do. So as much as I wish that my life hadn't been so "perfect", I'm glad to have had what I had. I just wish I could understand why I couldn't keep it. For those that watch Heroes, I wish that guy who can erase your memory would come to my house. It wouldn't change what I had, but at least I wouldn't dwell on it. I know that there is no time frame, but I do feel like I'm behind in my healing. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I can get through the days. I can work and be productive. I can actually wake up and go the gym. But I still just can't fathom moving on. I can't imagine being with someone else or growing old alone. I can't imagine a time when everything won't remind me of her. At what point do you stop being constantly reminded? Do doctors still perform lobotomies?!

I have put a new link on the blog. It is for donations for Katie's sister Teresa who will be walking in the Relay For Life in Atlanta in honor of Katie and her caregivers. Katie and I walked in the Relay for Life in Tallahassee for the last 2 years that we lived there after her surgery was successful in removing all of the cancer from the melanoma found in 2004. Katie loved the Relay, but always felt that she didn't deserve to be there. She felt that because she was "lucky" and found the melanoma early enough to remove it all, that her plight wasn't as big and important as others who struggled with chemo, radiation and everything else that goes along with cancer that didn't have to do. But she was always proud to be in it and enjoyed the camaraderie with people that all held a common bond. I'm proud of Teresa for continuing to do this for Katie. Please help support her if you can.

Living a dream

2007-03-14T01:43:00.000-04:00

What's weird is that I thought that my life was like a dream. I had everything that I could ever dream of (well, I could dream up some pretty elaborate mansion/car dreams, but . . .) and now it feels like my life is a dream because it seems that it can't be real. How can life go from one extreme to the other so quickly? At least if I could blame myself like I killed someone or went to prison or something that was my fault then I could understand why. It seems like I'm being punished and I can't figure out what I did wrong. And I know that I'm not being punished. And that if anything, Katie has been rewarded, but that doesn't make it much easier.
Everything right now reminds me of her. For a while, it seemed that I didn't think of her 24/7, but right now, it seems that I think of her every waking second. What would she think of this, she won't get to do that, she would laugh at this, she would hate that. Every thought that goes through my head has her fingerprint on it. And getting back to the dream. It seems that something is a dream. Either that I knew Katie and that she was part of my life or that this whole cancer/death thing is a dream. It can't all be real. Those 2 months seemed like an eternity because I lived every single second of them. I was there day and night making sure that she was as ok as I could make her. Looking back, the cancer overcame her so quickly and maybe that was a blessing. She didn't have to suffer long. But that just doesn't seem to make a difference right now. And what's just as hard is I'm sitting here typing in a room that at this point, was supposed to be lined with Beanie babies and painted with poetry and decorated with the John Lennon baby decorations. There should be a crib set up and a dresser full of baby clothes that would only get used once! Katie should be asleep in the next room and I should be anxious about the upcoming month. I have such a sense of entitlement. This was the life I wanted, I worked hard to get it, so I deserved it. How could it be taken from me? How is it possible that people who change spouses more than cars get to keep looking but when I found more than I ever I wanted, I have it ripped from me. How can people be so selfish to cheat on their spouses, or just get tired of being married and get divorced and yet, I am stuck in the situation I'm in. "They" weren't kidding when they said that life wasn't fair. Not only is life not fair, but it seems to enjoy the irony.

Starting Fresh

2007-03-13T05:57:00.000-04:00

This is my first post as I transition from CarePages to this blog. I'm excited about the flexibility it will give me with posting and adding pictures. CarePages offered me a great format for getting me to the point I'm at now, but when it was started, it was about Katie. Now it has become solely about me and my day-to-day struggles. I will miss CarePages a lot. Especially because I could easily see who was checking in. Not that I wanted to keep tabs but because it felt good to see that people cared enough about me to see how I was doing. But I will enjoy not having to log in all the time and getting logged out after an hour.
So how am I doing? My eyes are doing great. Before Lasik, my vision was 20/600 and now it is 20/20. The blurry night vision is gone and my short distance focus is great. I couldn't be more pleased. My friend Tara came up to visit from Arkansas. We went with some of my friends to New York on Saturday. It was my first time visiting the Big Apple. I thought the city might be overwhelming, but I found it rather easy to get around (although we did have a NY expert with us) and I thought that the hustle and bustle might be too much but the crowds were great and the weather was perfect. So now I have to say that the farthest North I've ever been is New York. It has a nicer ring than Cherry Hill! The worst part about being in NY on a beautiful day was that there were so many parents pushing their babies around in Bugaboos. Especially in Central Park. Babies are my soft spot right now. I don't mind seeing couples because I know that what I had with Katie is rare and that I would rather have nothing than settle for less. But the baby thing is little tough right now. Yeah, there's time for me to have kids and yada yada, but . . . I always say the one I was supposed to have but obviously I wasn't supposed to have it. If I was supposed to have it, I would; right? So I guess I have to continue to train my mind to understand that I had what I was supposed to and if I didn't get it, then it was never mine. My next big holiday hurdle is St. Patrick's day. It was special for us and we always celebrated. I have to work all night which will help and being that it is a Saturday, I'll be very busy.